Cat Jokes

Q: What did the cat say when the mouse got away? A: You've got to be kitten me!

Q: Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? A: There are too many cheetahs.

Q: Why did the can crusher quit his job? A: Because it was soda pressing.

Q: Why was the cat sitting on the computer? A: To keep an eye on the mouse!

Q: Why did the cat wear a dress? A: She was feline fine.

Q: What did the cat say when he lost all his money? A: I'm paw!

Q: Why don't cats like online shopping? A: They prefer a cat-alogue.

Q: What do you call a pile of kittens? A: A meowntain

For a man to truly understand rejection… he must first be ignored by a cat.

Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he’s always spotted.

What is a cat’s favorite song? Three Blind Mice.

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

What do cats like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.

What do you call the cat that was caught by the police? The purrpatrator.

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

Q: What’s worse than raining cats and dogs? A: Hailing taxis

I had to get rid of my husband. He was allergic to my cat.

Q: What’s the worst kind of cat? A: A cat-astrophe

Q: What do you call a cat in a station wagon? A: A car-pet

Q: What do cats eat for breakfast? A: Mice Krispies

Q: What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has claws at the end of its paws, while the other is a pause at the end of a clause. —@Grammarly

Q: What do you call at cat that goes bowling? A: An alley cat

Q: Why was the cat disqualified from the game? A: It was a cheetah.

Q: Why did the cat run away from the tree? A: It was scared of its bark.

Q: What would a cat say if you stepped on its tail? A: “Me-OW!”

Q: What did the alien say to the cat? A: “Take me to your litter.”

Q: What is a cat’s favorite color? A: Purrrple

Q: Why don’t kittens like shopping online? A: They prefer looking at a cat-alogue.

Q: What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? A: A mice cream cone

Q: How do cats get over a fight? A: They hiss and make up.

Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as a cat does. anonymous

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Reid Faylor

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.” @NicCageMatch

I bet cats have 
a secret website where they 
upload clips of cute humans 
trying to open DVD packaging 
and jump-start 
cars. @rolldiggity  

The military may have invented the Internet, but not all government schemes have worked as well. In 
the ’60s, the CIA hatched a plan to implant a battery and a microphone in a cat so the furry feline could 
spy on unsuspecting targets. The program was halted when, after years of research and millions of 
dollars spent, the spy cat was run over by a cab. Source: cracked.com

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. —Jeff Valdez

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today? One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look 
at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.” Source: reddit.com

They make cat food out of cow, fish, turkey, chicken & lamb meat—but not mouse meat, which is probably all cats want. @JohnFugelsang

Me and the wife [singer Katy Perry] have three cats, and they get whatever they want. We can only know what they want from what we speculate, so it’s a lot of vests, hats, and cat shoes. -- Russell Brand

When our client's dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. "Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find," he told me. At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk. "Believe it or not," I said, "this is for a sick dog." As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, "These are for my cats."

Does kitty dream of slinking down the catwalk? If so, give her a name that screams "I'm a star!" Like these actual pet names … Cats Cleocatra Bing Clawsby Chairman Meow Alexander the Grey Dogs Mary-Louise Barker Bettie Poops Virginia Woof Iggy Pup

I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won't come when I call him. —Comedian Reid Faylor (@reidfaylor )

A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. "Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked. "Very," said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That's how we got into this mess in the first place."

Living in a household with eight indoor cats requires buying large amounts of kitty litter, which I usually get in 25-pound bags—100 pounds at a time. When I was going to be out of town for a week, I decided to go to the supermarket to stock up. As my husband and I both pushed shopping carts, each loaded with five large bags of litter, a man looked at our purchases and queried, “Bengal or Siberian?”

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter’s indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department. “We don’t do that anymore,” the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. “The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough.” “How do you know that?” I asked. “Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?” she said. Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

I worked at a boarding kennel where people leave their dogs and cats while on vacation. One morning I had taken a cat out of his cage, and after playing with him and replenishing his food and water, I put him back in. A few minutes later, I was surprised to see the feline at my feet, since the cage doors lock automatically when they’re shut. I couldn’t figure out how the cat escaped, until I bent down to pick him up and spied his nametag: “Houdini.”

When my daughter and I caught only one perch on our fishing trip—not enough for even a modest lunch—we decided to feed it to her two cats. She put our catch in their dish and watched as the two pampered pets sniffed at the fish but refused to eat it. Thinking quickly, my daughter then picked up the dish, walked over to the electric can opener, ran it for a few seconds, then put the fish back down. The cats dug right in.      

My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking. Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say. “Well,” she explained, “he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ ”

A client recently brought her two cats to my husband's veterinary clinic for their annual checkup. One was a small-framed, round tiger-striped tabby, while the other was a long, sleek black cat. She watched closely as I put each on the scale. "They weigh about the same," I told her. "That proves it!" she exclaimed. "Black does make you look slimmer. And stripes make you look fat."