A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

100 Funny Sayings That Are Definitely Worth Memorizing

Caught in an uncomfortable, annoying or downright boring situation? Never fear: Funny sayings are here to help you laugh your way out of anything.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you throw it hard enough!
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny sayings that will make you LOL

We’ve all met those people. You know the ones: No matter the situation, they’re ready with a comical quip. In fact, they seem to have a seemingly endless supply of funny sayings. Well, who says they get to have all the fun? Arm yourself with an arsenal of funny sayings so you, too, can successfully ease tension, seamlessly slide out of uncomfortable conversations and give everyone you meet a big laugh.

And yes, all sorts of funny quotes—from funny inspirational quotes and funny work quotes to funny sarcasm quotes—can sometimes do the trick. But there’s nothing like having some funny sayings about life top of mind and ready to use at any time. So get your pen and paper ready, because we’re rounding up some truly funny sayings. You’ll be cracking up (and thanking us) soon enough.

Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for more humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.

You know what they say: Dynamite comes in small packages.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say

No matter what situation you find yourself in, sometimes funny sayings are the only way to save face. If that doesn’t work, try out these funny movie quotes instead.

  • You know what they say: Dynamite comes in small packages.
  • I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.
  • Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!
  • Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  • Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.
  • I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.
  • It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
  • I’m not saying I’m overreacting. But there are good times and there are bad times to hand me a chainsaw.
  • My brain says “crunches” but my stomach says “cupcakes.”
  • Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling, and it gets really mean if I make it wait too long.
  • Could you point me to the bathroom? I have a stool appointment.
  • May I please be excused? My brain is full.
  • Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches then?
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say to your parents

Even if your parents don’t have much of a sense of humor, these funny sayings are sure to tickle their funny bones. (Trust us: They’ll appreciate these more than old-people jokes.)

  • I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
  • When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver.
  • I don’t need a new hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
  • My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.
  • I never make the same mistake twice. I make it six or seven times, just to be sure.
  • If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
  • I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you throw it hard enough!
  • I actually sold the vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.
  • Here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Life is a bowl of soup, and I'm a fork.
RD.com, Getty Images (2)

Funny sayings about life

From funny books to funny poems, it can seem like everybody is taking a crack at coming up with funny sayings about life. But sometimes the simpler, the better.

  • My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
  • Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
  • Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.
  • I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine.
  • If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!
  • A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
  • I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d be sleeping and not talking to people.
  • I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
  • Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.
  • Anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense.
Hay is for horses.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say to your kids

Kids can say the darndest things … but so can you! Memorize these hilarious sayings, then keep the silliness coming by singing funny songs at bedtime to lull your kiddos to sleep.

  • You’re not made of sugar—you won’t melt.
  • Sure, I can help you out. Which way did you come in?
  • Hay is for horses.
  • No, you’re not adopted. But we’ve placed an ad.
  • Do as I say, not as I do.
  • Want to know what it’s like to have the best kid in the world? You’ll have to ask Grandma and Grandpa.
  • Sorry, kids. But I have to follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle: Keep away from children.
  • There’s so much I love about our little family, especially the part when you guys fall asleep.
This isn't a pyramid, but I guess it's fine.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny tombstone sayings

Who says funny sayings only apply to life? Just like funny obituaries and other dark-humor jokes, funny tombstone sayings can make a heavy topic a little lighter.

  • Here lies [Name]. Pardon me for not rising.
  • Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people.
  • This isn’t a pyramid, but I guess it’s fine.
  • Raised three daughters with only one bathroom and still loved them.
  • There goes the neighborhood …
  • Death is just one more thing to cross off my to-do list.
  • Finally, some peace and quiet!
  • See you in the zombie apocalypse.
  • Well, I finally have a parking spot in this town.
  • Shh—I’m sleeping!
  • That’s all, folks!
  • I told you I was sick.
  • He made one little blunder, now he’s six feet under.
My jeans say "eat a salad," but my heart says "eat pizza."
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say to your best friend

A best friend is someone who totally gets you, humor and all. (Nobody laughs with you at funny movies quite like your besties!) So give ’em something to grin about with these LOL-worthy sayings.

  • I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
  • Don’t worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.
  • Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.
  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  • My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”
  • I do all my ironing in the dryer.
  • Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.
  • You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.
  • Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.
  • A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say to your extended family

Family: We love them, but sometimes they can get on our last nerve. These funny sayings will keep the conversation flowing, head off fights and win over your nearest and dearest. If all else fails, break out the funny photos of family gatherings past.

  • I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid who’s as cool, smart or devilishly handsome as theirs.
  • My weight? Eh, ​​I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
  • My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.
  • Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
  • The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.
  • God created the world. Everything else is made in China.
  • If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.
  • I’m so glad this family is on my side because they would make terrifying enemies.
I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say on the internet

One of the best (and worst) things about the internet is that you can say whatever you want. (Well, that and the abundance of hilarious dog memes.) If you’re going to be online, you might as well be funny about it!

  • I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your grammar.
  • My brain has too many tabs open.
  • Finally, spring is here! I’m so stoked I wet my plants.
  • “Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.
  • I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.
  • Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? Me neither.
  • Excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.
  • My tallest finger loves giving standing ovations.
  • If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?
  • I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down.
I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say to your significant other

What is love without a little laughter? Not nearly as fun as it could be. Give your special someone (or your ex) a lot to laugh at by throwing out these funny sayings. You’ll be laughing even more if you throw these funny podcasts into the mix.

  • I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.
  • I’d never pretend to not see you in public.
  • If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
  • I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
  • I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.
  • If we were trapped on a deserted island, I’d wait as long as possible before going cannibal on you.
  • Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.
  • I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.
  • I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.
  • You’re driving me crazy. Please pull over.
  • I tried rearranging the letters in the alphabet, but U and I would never separate.
Sure, alcohol doesn't solve any problems. But neither does milk.
RD.com, Getty Images

Funny things to say after embarrassing yourself

The only way to come back from a “yikes” moment is to laugh at yourself, and these funny sayings will help you do just that.

  • Yup, gravity still works!
  • I didn’t fall down—the floor needed a hug.
  • Why, yes, I had a nice trip. I’ll see you next fall.
  • Everyone has a right to be stupid, but some (including me) abuse that privilege.
  • I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.
  • I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
  • Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But neither does milk.

Still craving more laughs? Check out these funny limericks next.

Additional reporting by Claire Nowak and Meghan Jones.

Lucie Turkel
Lucie Turkel is a lifestyle and culture writer covering the latest in holidays, books, movies and television, and e-commerce for RD.com. She graduated with an individualized major in Comparative Literary and Cultural Studies from the University of Connecticut.