Corny Jokes

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries

I called the tinnitus hotline, but it just kept ringing ... —Submitted by E.M. via rd.com

According to a new report, adverse side effects occurred in over 3,000 women who used Botox last year—none of whom seemed surprised. —Crystal Lowery

A scientist who made contact with aliens said, “They’re nothing like us—all they keep saying is ‘Err. Err.’” “Why should that mean they aren’t like us?” his colleague replied. “To err is human.” —Submitted by Steve Smith

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, the other a load of blue paint. All the passengers were marooned.

Q: What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? A: Quattro sinko.

Ed: The same bike tries to run me down every day. Fred: Sounds like a vicious cycle...

Jenny: I can tell if someone is lying just by looking at him. Penny: Really? Jenny: Yep. I can tell if he is standing too.

Mike: Someone stole the wheels off of all the police cars! Spike: The cops are working on it—tirelessly.

Q: What kind of tree has a hand? A: A palm tree.

Q: Why should you save your pennies? A: It makes good cents.

Q: What kind of jokes are told on a farm? A: Corny ones.

Q: Hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? A: They both got 6 months.

The last year I entered a marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing. The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?" I replied, "You really want to know?" Then I dropped out of the race.

Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers were dining in New York. Ginger was resplendent in a ball gown and pearls, and Fred also sported evening wear. But the meal was marred when the waiter bringing their desserts tripped and covered Fred from head to toe in treacle sponge. “I’m terribly sorry,” said the waiter. “So you should be,” replied Fred. “Thanks to you, I’ve pudding on my top hat, pudding on my white tie, pudding on my tails.”

A man is at the funeral of an old friend. He tentatively approaches the deceased’s wife and asks whether he can say a word. The widow nods. The man clears his throat and says, “Plethora.” The widow smiles appreciatively. “Thank you,” she says. “That means a lot.”

Did you hear about the young actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.

Q: What did the left eye say to the right eye? A: Between you and me, something smells.

Q: How does the solar system organize a party? A: They planet!

Q: What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up? A: I'm so over you!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? A: Frostbite!

Q: Did you hear about the two peanuts walking through town? A: One was a salted!

Q. What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? A. A meltdown!

A man came in to give his application to the manager. But the manager asked, "Why is there a four-year gap in your application?" And the man responded, "Yale." The manager hired him and the guy said, "Thanks. I needed a yob."

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? "Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

Q: What do you call it when two rock guitars accidentally crash into each other? A: A Fender bender.

Q: Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? A: Because she was stuffed.

RIP boiling water—you will be mist.

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears, my illegal logging business is a success.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail, but apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in sentences often goes undetected.

An elderly farmer had an old bull that lost its usual desire and no longer went near the cows. The farmer called the vet, who prescribed a pill to stimulate the bull’s interest. A few weeks later, the farmer ran into a friend, who asked, “How’s that bull?” “Great!” said the farmer. “The bull is back to his former frisky self.” “That’s fantastic. What miracle drug did the vet prescribe?” “I don’t know,” said the farmer. “But it tastes like licorice.”

Q: How did the dead brother and his dead brother resemble each other? A: They were dead ringers.

Q: What kind of a shot was the dead man? A: He had dead aim.

Q: What kind of personality did the dead man have? A: He gave you the cold shoulder.

Q: Why were the people trying to get the dead man to change his mind? A: Because they knew he was dead wrong.

Q: Why was the dead man not courageous? A: Because he had cold feet.

Q: Why was the dead man insensitive? A: Because he had a cold heart.

Q: How come nobody liked the dead lawyer? A: Because he was rotten to the core.

Q: Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank?

A: They just wash up on shore.

Q: How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook? A: An arm and a leg.

Q: Do you know what stinks about a pirate ship? A: The poop deck.

Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It's rated AARRRRGH because of all the booty!

I was in my patrol car by a blinking red light—the equivalent of a stop sign—when I watched an elderly man drive straight through without even slowing down. I quickly hit the siren and pulled him over. “Why did you drive through the red light?” 
I asked him. “I didn’t,” he said. “I saw you.” He shook his head. “I went through 
between the blinks.”

Q: How long does it take to know if a pair of underwear fits you well? A: Just a brief moment!

Q: Why should you sit in a corner when you get cold?

A: Because most corners are 90 degrees.

I visited the Air and Space Museum...Nothing was there.

I used to work for an origami company until it folded.

When my friend’s wife was in labor, he would tell jokes to keep her mind off the pain, but this didn’t amuse her much. I guess it was the delivery.

You can see the strangest things if you look hard enough. The other day I saw a piece of toast in a cage at the zoo. It was bread in captivity.

I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn’t pay my electric bill.  It was the darkest day of my life.

“What are these pennies doing in my soup?” the restaurant patron demanded, motioning for the waiter to come over to his table. The waiter walked over and whispered, “You said you would stop eating here if there wasn’t some change in the food.”

A man walked into the doctor’s office with a strawberry stuck in his ear.  “Can you help me, doctor?” he pled. The doctor looked closely, and said, “I think I’ve got some cream for that.”

“Didn’t you use to hear music every time you put on your Western hat?” one cowboy asked another. “I sure did.” “How did you get it to stop?” “I removed the hat from my head and took out the band.”

Q: Knock Knock A: Who's there? Q: Felix. A: Felix who? Q: Felixausted, let me in!

Q: Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. A: That’s just how I roll.

Q: Erin, spell mouse. A: M O U S. Q: Yes–and what's on the end of it? A: A tail?

Corny jokes are a-maize-ing.

Q: What did sushi A say to sushi B? A: Wasabi!

I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Q: Why are teddy bears never hungry? A: Because they're always stuffed.

Q: What did one toilet say to the other toilet? A: You look flushed.

Q: What's the best time to go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurty.

Q: Where do beef burgers go to dance? A: The meatball.

Q: Which side of a duck has the most feathers? A: The outside.

Q: Where do Volkswagens go when they get old? A: The old Volks home.

Q: What do a dog and a phone have in common? A: They both have collar ID.

Q: What did the red light say to the green light? A: Don't look, I'm changing.

Q: What do you call a T-Rex that's been beaten up? A: Dino-sore.

Q: What did the axe murderer say to the judge? A: It was an axe-ident.