The definition of a perfectionist: someone who wants to go from point A to point A+. —David Bez

Traveling through the Midwest, I stopped at an Ohio welcome center to pick up a state map. I found plenty of brochures but no maps. Then I spotted two employees and asked whether they had any. “Sure,” said the first guy. “I’ll get you one.” As he walked to the back, the second guy explained, “We keep them in the storage room. If we leave them out on the counter, people just come in and take them.” —James Nealis

Things I overheard at my health club:

• “I’m only taking this class so I don’t eat for an hour.”
• “Who knew 40 years of neglect would have repercussions?”
• “Does this body make me look fat?”

—Mark Garvey

When my local barista handed me my change, one coin stood out. “Look at that. You rarely get one of these old wheat pennies nowadays,” I said, tapping the sheaf of-wheat design. I handed her the penny. Turning it over and over in her hand, she said, “You know, I always thought they were made of copper.” —Linda Neukrug

One of my wife’s third graders was wearing a Fitbit watch, which prompted my wife to ask, “Are you tracking your steps?” “No,” said the little girl. “I wear this for Mommy so she can show Daddy when he gets home.” —James Avery

During a job interview at the 99 Cents store, my son was asked, “Where do you see yourself in five years?” My son’s reply: “At the Dollar Store.” He got the job. —A.K. via rd.com

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each. —Submitted by Alex Del Bene

Could a ... ... librarian be called a bookkeeper? ... referee be a game warden? ... dairyman be a cowboy? ... cabinetmaker be the president? —Submitted by J. Lee

Since the coronavirus outbreak, my 47-year-old son has been washing his hands religiously. In fact, he said, “I’ve been washing my hands so much, I found the answers to an old eighth-grade math quiz.” —Susan Freeman

“I make mistakes; I’ll be the second to admit it.” —Jean Kerr, author

I tried having my mother’s phone disconnected, but the customer-service rep told me that since the account was in my dad’s name, he’d have to be the one to put in the request. The fact that he’d been dead for 40 years didn’t sway her. Then a solution hit me: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the service, right?” “Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that would ruin his credit.” —Jeannie Gibbs

I loved the dress that I bought at a flea market. It fit perfectly, and the skirt was a swirl of intricate pleats. I wore it confidently to an evening party and glowed when a woman exclaimed, “Oh, how stunning!” Yes, I was grinning from ear to ear, until she added cheerfully, “Hang on to it, honey. Pleats will come back someday.” —Mary Lou Wickham

Dad always bragged about the gunners on his ship. Once during target practice, an unmanned drone flew past an antiaircraft cruiser. The cruiser opened up, shells furiously flying all around the drone but not hitting it. Then came Dad’s ship’s turn. The gunners’ very first shot sent the drone into the water! Forty years later, Dad met the man responsible, and he told him how impressed he had been. “Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble for that,” the gunner said. “Turns out we were supposed to shoot around it, not hit it.” —Patrick McSherry

During World War II, my father often found himself stuck with KP duty. One day, convinced he could improve things, he told the head cook, “If you give me a paring knife, I could peel these potatoes faster.” The cook turned slowly to my father and said, “Son, you’re in the Army. You have plenty of time.” —Jack Girard

What I remember most about my dad’s jokes is my mother’s reaction. While everyone else was howling at one of his punch lines, my mom would always respond, “Bernard, no one thinks you’re funny.” —Nedra Cawley

My dad used to sing little ditties. This was my favorite: There was a young lady named Mabel. She danced on the dining room table. Her face grew red, When the gentleman said ... “Look at the legs on that table!” —Clo Dodge

Here's my favorite dad joke, with me as the dad: Every Sunday on the way to church, we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. And each time, I’d tell my 12-year-old daughter, “A train just went by. Know how I can tell? It left its tracks.” I got a moan the first couple of Sundays. After a while, every time we’d pull up to the crossing, all I had to do was look in the rearview mirror and she would smile. My daughter is now a college graduate and lives out of state, but every time I cross those tracks, I think of her. —Mike Vanloo

If it was a blustery day, you could be sure to hear my dad remark, “It was so windy today, I had to wrinkle my forehead and screw my cap on to keep it there!” —JoAnn Evjen

My dad was not a jokester, but his fun side did come out once in a while. When I was 12, he took me to a Chicago White Sox game with a group from a local tavern. The game between the Sox and the Indians was in the ninth inning, with the Sox ahead by a run. I was having so much fun, I said, “I hope the Indians tie the game in the ninth.” The die-hard Sox fans we were with were horrified, but not Dad. He started cheering for the Indians to score, even as the men yelled, “Cut it out; you’re a Sox fan!” The Sox ended up winning, everyone was happy, and my dad and I laughed all the way home. I miss him tremendously. —Rick Brueckmann

My father liked to say, “I’m bald because a good man always comes out on top.” Dad loved to make people laugh. At his funeral, the preacher said, “In his lifetime, this man told thousands of jokes, but they were always the same one.” —M. T., via e-mail

If my father was in a doctor’s waiting room and saw another old-timer looking dejected, he’d shuffle up and tell him, “A rabbit goes to the dentist, and the dentist says, ‘I need to pull a tooth, but I’ll give you Novocain.’ The rabbit answered, ‘Uh-uh! Not me, Doc. I’m an ether bunny.’” —Lisa Ann Turay

My father and I were in the snowplow he drove for work when I saw a switch encased in a box. “What’s this for?” I asked. “It’s to turn red lights green,” he replied. As we reached a red light, he pointed to the box. “Try it.” I hit the switch, and it worked—the light turned green! Only much later did I find out that it was his garage-door opener. —Heidi Berg

When I was in high school in the ’70s, Dad said he’d just heard my favorite group on the radio, Carrying Grain. The band was Hall & Oates, and this gag perfectly sums up my father’s sense of humor. —Matt Rizzo

My mother was hard of hearing and wore a hearing aid that she removed at bedtime. My dad would wait till she had put it on her nightstand and say, “Do you want to go to sleep or what?” Not being able to hear, she would inevitably respond with “What?” And that, my dad joked to me on numerous occasions, is the explanation for why I come from a very large family. —Mimi Wright

As my sister and I were counting the cows in a pasture, Dad glanced over at the herd and said, “There are 127.” “How’d you know?” we asked. He replied, “I counted their legs and divided by four.” Decades later, my kids give me the same look I gave my dad every time I pull that same gag. —George Brown

When my Dad got out of the Army, a friend gave him a job as a “diesel fitter” at his ladies’ undergarments factory. On Dad’s first day, the friend took him to the production line where he would be working. The friend explained that as a diesel fitter, my dad’s responsibility would be to pick up each garment as it came off the line, look it over, and then hold it up and announce, “Yep, deez’ll fit ’er!” At least, that’s the story my dad told a thousand times. —Marybeth Martens Cobble

My Dad's favorite joke is indelible: Joe is a new man on a construction crew. The first day on the job, he opens his lunch box and mumbles, “Oh no, peanut butter!” The next day, “Peanut butter again!” This goes on for days, until another worker says, “Why don’t you ask your wife to make a different lunch?” Joe replies, “I’m not married. I make my own lunch.” Whether or not anyone else laughed, Dad certainly did. —Ronald D. Stieglitz

One night, the phone rang, and Dad answered it. On the other end was an obscene phone caller. Dad listened for a few seconds before telling my mother, “It’s for you,” and handing her the phone. —Tonya Brantley

I grew up hearing my dad tell a joke about a Mrs. Dunn, whose son, Timmy Dunn, had left Ireland for America, never to be heard from again. She discovered that Mike O’Malley was leaving for America and asked Mike to look for Timmy and tell him to write to her. Well, Mike looked for Tim everywhere he went, asking many a man whether he was Timmy Dunn, but to no avail. Then one day in a men’s room, a man walked out of a stall. Mike asked him, “Are you Dunn?” The gentleman said, “Yes.” Mike replied, “Well, why don’t you write to your mother?!” When my 12-year-old brother heard Dad tell the joke for the hundredth time, all of sudden, he started laughing. “I finally got it!” —Susan Wall

Every year—every single year!— when we’re getting the garden ready, I can be sure Dad will say, “I’d like to grow seedless watermelon, but I can’t find the seeds!” —Christopher Fishbein

When I was 12, my father told me a terrible story that had happened at the gas station that day. “I was pumping gas when I noticed this small dog licking up a puddle of gasoline off the ground,” he said. “All of a sudden, the poor thing started running around the car as fast as he could. He kept running and running until he finally just dropped to the ground right in front of me.” I gasped, “Oh no. Was he dead?” Dad shook his head. “No, he just ran out of gas.” Dad was quite pleased with himself over that one. —Bill Woodman

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?” —Comedian Rich Vos

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis. —Crystal Lowery

To resolve conflicts between management and staff, I brought both sides together and asked employees to jot down key words on a flip chart. One participant complained about management’s tendency to interfere and wrote the word nitpicking. A manager leaped to his feet to ask, “Shouldn’t there be a hyphen between nit and picking?” —E. Howson, in Reader’s Digest International Edition

It was my first night caring for an elderly patient. When he grew sleepy, I wheeled his chair as close to the bed as possible and, using the techniques I’d learned in school, grasped him in a bear hug to lift him onto the bed. But I couldn’t clear the top of the mattress. So I grabbed him again, summoned all my might, and hoisted him onto the bed. When the night shift nurse arrived, I recounted what had happened. “Funny,” she said, looking puzzled. “Usually I just ask him to get in bed, and he does.” —Erin Dockery

Feeling down about my thinning hair, I told a friend, “Soon I’ll never need to go back to the beauty salon. Whenever I vacuum, all I pick up is my hair.” A glass-half-full kind of gal, she responded, “Well, then you won’t need to vacuum either.” —Agnes Scharenbroch

My husband can't activate our Amazon Echo, because he keeps forgetting its name, Alexa. “Just think of the car Lexus and add an a at either end,” I suggested. The next time he wanted to use our new toy, he looked a bit puzzled. Then he remembered what I’d said and confidently called out, “Acura!” —Linda Price

My granddaughter's husband was complaining about how spellcheck changes the meaning of e-mails when an Air Force officer told him this story: He’d sent a message to 300 of his personnel addressed to “Dear Sirs and Ma’ams.” It was received as “Dear Sirs and Mamas.” —Phyllis Howard

What's a quiet Hawaiian laugh? Aloha. —Kenneth Gomez

My dad is so cheap that when he dies, he’s going to walk toward the light and turn it off. —Comedian Matin Atrushi

A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results. He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!” “That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man. “I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.” “You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.” —Submitted by Rose Mattix

A customer walked into my clothing shop and asked to see the pants that were advertised in the paper that day. “We don’t have an ad in the paper today,” I told her. She insisted I was wrong, so I got a copy of the paper, and we went through it, eventually landing on an ad for pants from another local store. Exasperated, the customer glared at me and said, “In my newspaper, the ad was for this store!” —Edward Oppenheimer

Scene: A sports store. Customer: Do you have jogging shorts? Me: We have running shorts. How fast were you planning on going? —Stephanie Chapman

When I was a proofreader, I shared with my coworkers this example to illustrate how writing can skew based on gender: A professor wrote on the blackboard, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were then instructed to insert the proper punctuation. The men wrote, “Woman, without her man, is nothing.” The women wrote, “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.” —Susan Allen

Thinking no one could hear me as I loaded a UPS tractor trailer, I began to whistle. I was really getting into it when a coworker in the next trailer poked his head in. “You know, I always used to wish I could whistle,” he said. “Now I just wish you could.” —Megs Brunner

I asked a friend in Seattle what the difference was between a state like Washington and one like Florida. He shrugged. “Apples and oranges.” —John Fries

The first thing I did when I heard our great-granddaughter was born was to text my son: “You are a great uncle!” He texted me back immediately: “Thank you. What did I do?” —Peggy Klasse

I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were your good old days?” His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and I wasn’t old.” —F. M., via rd.com

I was admiring my aunt’s necklace when she surprised me by announcing, “I’m leaving it to you in my will.” I was overjoyed, perhaps too much. “Oh!” I shouted. “I’m looking forward to that!” —Mona Randem

My husband and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. I started: “I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” Thomas shook his head. “Not me. I already have one of those.” —Julie Phelan

As my two sons were climbing into the back seat of our car, Eric, five, yelled, “I call the left side!” That didn’t sit well with Ron, four. “No, I want the left side!” “I want the left side!” “No, I want the left side!” Intervening, I said, “Since Eric is older, he can have the left side.” “Thanks, Dad!” said Eric. “Which side is left?” —Josh Weston

My dad and uncles were all in the Army during wartime, but only two of the three served overseas. One day, at an event honoring veterans, a young man asked where they had been stationed. “I served in Japan,” said Uncle Sid. “I served in Korea,” said Uncle Jerry. “Baltimore,” said Dad. “Keeping it safe for democracy.” —Lori Shandle-Fox

Two men are hiking through the woods when one of them cries out, “Snake! Run!” His companion laughs at him. “Oh, relax. It’s only a baby,” he says. “Don’t you hear the rattle?” —Steve Smith

Q: Did you hear about the racing snail who got rid of his shell? A: He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish.

Ed: I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Fred: How bad is it? Ed: Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

Autocorrect can go straight to he’ll. —Constance Normandeau

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. —Albert Sloan

Teaching is not for sensitive souls. While reviewing future, past, and present tenses with my English class, I posed this question: “‘I am beautiful’ is what tense?” One student raised her hand. “Past tense.” Reema Rahat, in Reader’s Digest International Edition

A customer walked into the post office wanting to mail a package. “Two-day shipping will cost $12.95 to get it there by Friday,” my coworker Billy told her. The customer, clearly looking to save a few bucks, said, “The package doesn’t have to get there till Saturday. Is there any way to make that happen?” Billy nodded. “Sure. You can bring it back tomorrow.” —David Cutcher

“Yesterday was my 18th birthday!” a customer said after walking into our convenience store. He then asked for some e-cigarette products and handed me his ID to prove he was indeed of age. I scanned the ID, but it came back expired. Now thoroughly deflated, he asked, “Does that mean I’m not 18?” —David Hansen

An utterly confused woman called our local fire station about getting a haircut. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number,” I said. “Is this the salon near the fire station?” she asked. “No, this is the fire station.” “Oh! Are you cutting hair in there now?” —Karen Strand

On the way to meet my husband at a restaurant, I realized that I didn’t have my phone and immediately panicked. I needn’t have worried. He saw my phone on the couch at home and brought it with him. When he arrived, I checked my texts. There was only one, and it was from him: “I’m on my way, and I have your phone.” —Michelle Steinmetz

Headline from the Seattle PostIntelligencer: “Mom Warns Son to ‘Watch Out for Idiots,’ Rear‑Ends His Motorcycle.”

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke. Bartender: Three dollars. Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password? Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase. —Sylvia McClain

After a health scare, I hugged my wife and whispered, “If something happens to me, the presents in my closet are yours.” She whispered back, “If anything happens to you, everything in your closet is mine.” —Dean Simpson

Our boatswain's mate was a smoker who would toss his matches overboard. Then one day, he surprised us all when he popped a cigarette in his mouth and produced an expensive lighter from his pocket. With great fanfare, he flipped open the top, flicked the spark wheel, lit his cigarette ... then chucked the lighter overboard. —Bob McCord

Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. “How do you know?” the first demands. “My dog told me.” From the book Laughter: The Best Medicine

My mother was browsing in a store when a saleswoman offered assistance. Mom admitted she didn’t have anything particular in mind, and the pair started chatting. The woman quickly learned that Mom was retired. Interested, she confessed that she, too, was considering retirement. Mom immediately started telling her how much she liked no longer working and how the saleswoman would enjoy it too. Finally, convinced by Mom’s enthusiasm, she asked, “How long have you been retired?” Mom said, “This is my first day.” —Lee Beacham

We Uber drivers never know whom we’re going to end up with as a passenger. One day, I was driving over a new bridge, the design of which was very confusing. Completely confounded, I muttered, “I’d love to meet the genius who designed this mess.” With that, my passenger extended his hand in my direction and said, “Well, today is your lucky day. My name is Mike, I work for the county engineer’s office, and I’m the genius who designed this!” Surprisingly, he still gave me a tip. —Patrick Grilliot

To save money, I suggested to one of my grown sons that we all live together in one house. I could tell he didn’t think it would be cost-effective when he asked, “Who’s going to pay the therapist?” —Virginia Davies