Unlike many riddles that challenge your smarts, this head-scratcher becomes a bit more simple when you see that the answer is in the riddle. While some riddles (like “If I had four eggs…”) test your math skills, the “There’s a woman in a boat” riddle is more of a mystery to your cranium’s creativity. Good luck!

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“There’s a woman in a boat” riddle

There is a woman in a boat, on a lake, wearing a coat. If you want to know her name, it’s in the riddle I just wrote. What’s her name?

The hint

Read the riddle a few times, and the answer will appear. It’s not a long riddle, so you can look at it in small parts. Focus on the beginning of the riddle. Don’t overthink the teaser. The woman’s name is not a common one and could be replaced with your name or your best friend’s name.

The answer

“There” is the woman’s name.

“There’s a woman in a boat” riddle revealed

The viral “There’s a woman in a boat” riddle achieves the primary goal of a good short riddle: It leaves you confused and hunting for the solution in places that take you further away from the answer. While “There” is not a traditional moniker, it serves the purpose of having you swimming for answers in faraway waters. Once you figure out the riddle, it seems super silly, but you’ll probably ask a few friends to try to solve it.

Did you enjoy this riddle? If so, you’ll love our other viral riddles and brain teasers. And if you really want to give your brain a workout, try our more challenging riddles.

How Many Ducks Do You See?

Can You Spot the Hidden Turtle?

How Many Squares Do You See?

The post There’s a Woman in a Boat Riddle: Try to Solve the Viral Riddle appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Halloweenmight primarily be a scary holiday, but that doesn’t mean it’s not also pretty darn funny. While you’re coming up with the best ideas forHalloween costumes, get a laugh (and maybe some inspiration!) from these silly Halloween jokes, which poke fun at your favorite ghosts and ghouls. They’re not so scary when you can laugh at them, right?

GetReader’s DigestsRead Up newsletterfor more humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.

Halloween dad jokes

Q: What do you get when you put a spider on an ear of corn?
A: A cobweb.

Q: What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?
A: A spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider.

Q: The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it and the user does not see it. What is it?
A: A coffin.

Q: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
A: When you’re a mouse.

Q: What is a pause in work at a mortuary called?
A: A coffin break.

Q: What kind of monster loves to disco?
A: The boogieman.

Q: Why didn’t the scarecrow eat dinner?
A: He was already stuffed.

Q: Why was the jack-o’-lantern afraid to cross the road?
A: He had no guts.

Q: What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A: A plumpkin.

Q: Are any Halloween monsters good at math?
A: Nounless you Count Dracula!

Q: How do you fix a broken jack-o’-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.

Q: Why didn’t the zombie go to school?
A: He felt rotten.

Q: Why is a cemetery a great place to write a story?
A: Because there are so many plots there.

Q: What genre of music does a mummy like the best?
A: Wrap!

Q: Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation?
A: The Dead Sea.

Q: Why are zombies so hard to understand?
A: They’re very crypt-ic.

Dad jokes are always funny, and they pair perfectly with Halloween jokes for kids!

Funny Halloween jokes

Q: What’s a ghoul’s favorite drink?
A: Anything with boos.

Q: What are a monster’s favorite pets?
A: Creepy crawlies.

Q: What did people say when the Headless Horseman started dating a zombie?
A: He’s lost his head!

Q: What is a mummy’s favorite sandwich?
A: A head cheese wrap.

Q: What’s in a ghost’s nose?
A: Boo-gers.

Q: What does a panda ghost eat?
A: Bam-BOO!

Q: What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
A: Vanishing cream.

Q: What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
A: Spook-hetti!

Q: What did the mommy ghost say to the noisy young ghost who kept interrupting?
A: “Spook when you’re spooken to.”

Q: What do ghosts wear when their eyesight gets blurry?
A: Spooktacles.

Q: Why do female ghosts go on a diet?
A: So they can keep their ghoulish figure.

Q: Where does a ghost go on vacation?
A: Mali-boo.

Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
A: Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend!

Q: Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
A: Because you can see right through them.

Q: What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
A: Sham-boo!

Q: What’s a monster’s favorite show?
A: Romeo and Ghouliet.

Q: What’s a mummy’s favorite way to relax?
A: Solving cryptograms.

Halloween jokes for kids

Q: Why did the vampire fail art?
A: He only knew how to draw blood.

Q: On which street did the zombie buy a home?
A: The one with the dead end.

Q: What does a zombie call his parents?
A: Mummy and Deady.

Q: Why is Christmas a mummy’s favorite holiday?
A: He gets to do all the wrapping.

Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!

Q: How do ghosts get their hair to stay in place?
A: They use scare-spray.

Q: Why do vampires have a hard time making friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.

Q: How do you know a skeleton is sick?
A: He’s coffin.

Q: What do ghosts tell around the campfire?
A: Scary human stories.

Q: Where do deviled eggs come from?
A: Evil hens.

Q: Where do toddler ghosts stay when their parents are at work?
A: Day scare!

Q: What time is it when the clock strikes 13?
A: Time to get a new clock.

Q: How can you tell if a ghost is scared?
A: He’s white as a sheet.

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite appetizer?
A: Finger food!

Q: What did the child mummy want to be when he grew up?
A: A wrap star.

Q: How did the jack-o’-lantern become a murderer?
A: He squashed someone.

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o’-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: What do you call a Halloween monster who is really bad at scaring people?
A: A Halloweenie!

If you’re throwing a monster mash this year, check out the best Halloween party ideas, including Halloween bingo, to play with the group.

Halloween jokes for adults

Q: What does Elon Musk do on Halloween?
A: He goes trick-or-tweeting.

Q: Why did they discontinue making spider silk pants?
A: They looked great, but the fly kept getting stuck.

Q: Why did the mummy never take a vacation day?
A: He didn’t know how to unwind.

Q: How many skeletons do you have in your closet?
A: None, but that’s just because the body hasn’t decomposed yet.

Q: What type of Halloween books do pumpkins write?
A: Pulp fiction.

Q: Why did the zombie get kicked out of church?
A: It tried to eat the organ.

Q: What happens when you stay up all night on Halloween?
A: Wait for itit will dawn on you.

Q: Why are monsters so into astrology?
A: They love reading their horror-scope.

Q: What happens if you forget to pay your exorcist?
A: You get repossessed.

Q: What do ghosts order at the bar?
A: Boos. And then they leave sheet-faced.

Q: What happens when pumpkins drink alcohol?
A: They get smashed.

Q: How do you buy things on the dark web?
A: With crypt-ocurrency!

Q: What is the best Halloween pickup line?
A: Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.

Q: How did the real estate agent sell a home with a dozen witches in the bathtub?
A: By noting it comes complete with a self-cleaning coven.

Q: What did the vampire say to his hangry friend?
A: Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.

Q: What did the ghost say when he found out he’d been scammed?
A: It seems I’ve been bam-BOO-zled!

Q: What do skeletons do at wild parties?
A: Pass around a joint.

If you’ve got a dark sense of humor, you’ll love these dark jokes on Halloween and beyond.

Funny witch jokes

Q: What do you call a witch’s garage?
A: A broom closet.

Q: What do witches ask for at hotels?
A: Broom service.

Q: How do you make a witch itch?
A: Take away the W.

Q: What do you call a desert-dwelling witch?
A: A sand-witch.

Q: What do you call two witches who live together?
A: Broom-mates.

Q: What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling.

Q: How do you turn off the lights on Halloween?
A: Use the lights-witch.

Q: Did you hear about the witch who got really angry while on her broomstick?
A: She flew off the handle.

Q: Why do witches wear name tags?
A: So you can tell which witch is witch.

Q: Why did the witch’s feet hurt after a long day?
A: She had candy corns.

In the mood for a little magic? Watch one of these classic witch movies.

Funny vampire jokes

Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween?
A: On blood vessels.

Q: Why did the vampire read the New York Times?
A: He heard it had great circulation.

Q: Why did the vampire need mouthwash?
A: Because he had bat breath.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
A: Frostbite.

Q: How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery?
A: All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q: What’s a vampire’s least-favorite food?
A: Stake.

Q: What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house?
A: A grave problem.

Q: How do vampires start their letters?
A: “Tomb it may concern ”

Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Q: Which fruit is a vampire’s favorite?
A: Neck-tarine!

Q: What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?
A: A bloodhound.

Q: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?
A: Fangs-giving.

Q: What restaurant should you never take a vampire to?
A: A stake house.

To create a scary Halloween costume this year, learn how to make fake blood. Going as a vampire is just one option, of course!

Funny skeleton jokes

Q: Why do skeletons have low self-esteem?
A: They have no body to love.

Q: What is a skeleton’s favorite dinner?
A: Spare ribs.

Q: Know why skeletons are so calm?
A: Because nothing gets under their skin.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
A: His heart wasn’t in it.

Q: How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?
A: Use a skeleton key to unlock the gates!

Q: What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
A: A trombone.

Q: Are skeletons good at painting?
A: No, they prefer making skull-ptures.

Q: What does a French skeleton say?
A: Bone-jour!

Q: Why can’t the skeleton play church hymns?
A: Because she has no organs.

Q: What do you say to a skeleton stuck in the snow?
A: You numb-skull!

We’ve got more where that came from! Here are more Halloween puns you can’t help but find “humerus.”

Halloween knock-knock jokes

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby Halloween!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don’t cryI’m a friendly ghost!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ivanna.
Ivanna who?
Ivanna suck your blood!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ooze.
Ooze who?
Ooze your favorite Halloween monster, and why isn’t it me?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda go out trick-or-treating with me tonight?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Canoe.
Canoe who?
Canoe give me Halloween candy?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for your Halloween party!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are asking all these questions?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Woo.
Woo who?
Woo-hoo! It’s finally Halloween!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Witches.
Witches who?
Witches the way to the haunted house?

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Phillip.
Phillip who?
Phillip my Halloween bucket!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima do a trick if you don’t gimme a treat.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hans.
Hans who?
Hans off my candy, Mom!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and answer the door! It’s cold out here.

Go all out this year with these creepy-fun outdoor Halloween decorations.

Corny Halloween jokes

Q: What is a monster’s favorite dessert?
A: I scream!

Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.

Q: What room will you never find in a ghost’s house?
A: A living room.

Q: What is a ghost’s favorite position to play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.

Q: How do you know a cemetery is popular?
A: People are just dying to get in.

Q: What do you call a cheesy Halloween dance?
A: The muenster mash.

Q: Why was the witch’s broom late?
A: It over-swept.

Q: How do you know if a skeleton is funny?
A: He has a humerus.

Q: Why did the Headless Horseman go to school?
A: To get ahead in life.

Q: Who should you hire to write a book about Halloween?
A: A ghost writer.

Q: Why are vampires terrible at baseball?
A: Their bats fly away.

Q: What do ghost brides carry on their wedding day?
A: Boo-quets.

Q: What’s the best compliment to give a vampire?
A: “You suck.”

Q: What is a zombie’s favorite food?
A: Human beans.

Q: Why did the policeman arrest the ghost scaring children on Halloween?
A: She didn’t have a haunting license.

Now that you’ve giggled your way through these Halloween jokes, scare yourself silly with these creepy photos.

Submit your best joke here and get $25 if Readers Digest runs it.

Additional reporting by Andy Simmons.

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Last-Minute Halloween Costumes

The post 130 Halloween Jokes to Tickle Your Funny Bone appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Take a bite out of these funny food names

There’s no shortage of astonishing food facts out there to delight and amaze your brain. Take, for instance, these food-origin tidbits: Did you know that Caesar salad has nothing to do with the famous Roman emperor? Or that the name Hagen-Dazs is completely made up? There are plenty of other funny food names, and many come with highly amusing origin stories. (Go ahead: Get those food jokes ready.)

With that in mind, we’re rounding up some of the best names that have crossed our plates. They may not be America’s favorite foods, but they sure are some of the funniest. Here are the facts behind some funny food names you may have always been curious about.

GetReaders DigestsRead Up newsletter for more food, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.

The post 12 Funny Food Names That Sound Ridiculous but Are Totally Real appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Raise your flirting game

Keeping a relationship fresh and exciting isn’t always easy, especially when communicating through text messages. But texting doesn’t have to be mundane. Sending a doting message to your crush or significant other can be exhilarating, whether you’re including a cheesy pickup line, romantic quote or flirty text that borders on scandalous. Want to go the extra mile? How about sending a flirty meme.

We’ve rounded up the best memes to encourage flirtation, and these options are sure to make your special someone smileeven blush! If you want more of the best memes or are just wondering how to be romantic, here are some romantic ways to say I love you, some favorite love memes and the best date ideas.

Flirty memes you need to try

Your missing piece

Missing your crush? This meme is the ultimate “thinking of you” message.

The post 50 Flirty Memes That Will Make Your Crush Blush appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Sure, you could try using one of thesesarcasm quotes and hope they catch on. But it’s risky. This is why we’re daydreaming about a line of passive-aggressive T-shirts that let you make the witty, insightful comments you want to say out loud. Sure, these funny quotes emblazoned on a T-shirt would probably turn you into a summer meme, but if they helped you avoid the following moments that could ruin a perfectly good summer day, it would totally be worth it.

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For the beach

Some people love the beach; some people hate the beach. Then there are people who love the beach but are turned off by the people at the beach. Wouldn’t it be great if you could broadcast these passive-aggressive comments to your new sand neighbor without saying a word?

• Your blanket is too close
• Why, yes, I do like sand in my sandwich
• Don’t worryyour beer belly isn’t frightening my children
• My sand toys, my rules
• I’m making a Top 10 list of things you’re saying too loudly
• It’s hard to measure exactly how much I don’t want to lend you my sunscreen
• Feel free to not engage with me here about anything
• Let’s just agree that the traffic always sucks

For the pool

Pool people and beach people are like cat people and dog people. Same general species, but they like their own territory. Pool people are like catsthey think they’re cool, and they strut around more. Their kids ignore all the signs and have worse manners than any of the aforementioned animals. You get it. If only they did!

• Why, yes, I did mean I was saving that lounge chair by putting my towel on it
• Letting your kids run around the pool doesn’t make you the cool parent
• Feel free to not notice me in the locker room
• Riding a floatie that looks like a slice of pizza doesn’t make you look ridiculous at all
• I wish I had your bravery when it comes to inappropriate swimwear
• I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you when you asked me to get you something from the snack bar
• I come here for the awkward social interactions with half-dressed acquaintances
• Let’s talk even more about the weather, just-at-pool friend

For a barbecue

Nothing really says summer like a barbecue. Whether you’re the host or a guest, being at one always holds the promise of good food and laughter. Until that one person (your uncle, perhaps?) decides to tell everyone how they’re the only one who knows the “right” way to play cornhole or what medium-rare really means. Well, these passive-aggressive comments would let you say what you mean.

• Thank you for liking your burger the way I cooked it
• Please tell my wife this is my first hot dog of the day
• Feel free to not make your unfunny meat references again this year
• I fought your slaw, and I won
• Welcome to our backyardplease treat it better than you treat yours
• I’m sorry the paper plates you volunteered to bring are so flimsy
• It’s so good to see youI missed our annual small talk
• Good food, good friends, goodbye already

For a family reunion

You’re trying to play nice … but it’s hard to avoid a political, sports or lifestyle argument with cousin Tommy, who lives in both another city and another universe. In all honesty, that family reunion might be better spent if the whole family decided to throw down with this special passive-aggressive T-shirt collection that’s approved by family therapists everywhere.*

(*Or, we strongly believe they would beyou know, if these T-shirts actually existed and we ran them by a bunch of family therapists.)

• It’s awesome that almost all of us could be here almost all the same week!
• Can you promise not to slow us down by wearing your sandals again on the annual hike?
• Yes, the crack of dawn is a perfect meeting time for all of you
• I apologize that my allergy to Cousin Carl has returned
• Remember: One man’s fishing outing is another man’s time to think about nothing
• My truth this year is that I don’t want to play Truth or Dare with teenagers
• Let’s try to forget the Separate-Check Fiasco of 2018
• I hope this is the year you break your record of excuses for not playing party games

For a family road trip

Hitting the road with your family in tow for the summer is as American as apple pie. But being trapped in a confined space where no one throws out their fast-food wrappers can lead to a bit of tension. Sometimes the only thing you love more than your kids is traveling without your kids. Seriously, who’s ready to turn this car around?

• Just so we’re clear: my podcast first
• You can all spy things without me
• I need to charge my phone, therefore I am
• I’m not sure what I smell, but it’s not me
• I admire your ability to snore at 65 mph
• I wish I had your ability to tell a long story without an ending
• I’m sorryI can’t hear you over the sound of what I’m trying to listen to
• If by “there” you mean “my last nerve,” then yes, we’re there

If you can’t ditch your family for your relaxing vacay and your significant other wouldn’t find these passive-aggressive comments as funny as you do, these dad jokes will at least help you amuse yourself.

The Funniest Jokes of All Time

Beach Captions That'll Make Waves

Beach Puns Shore to Make You Laugh

The post 40 Passive-Aggressive T-Shirts We Wish Existed for Summer appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Any silence is filled by a Gatling gun salvo of one-liners from John Rappaport: Hear the one about the Israeli newspaper reporter who yelled to his editor, Hold the back page!?

These eight comedy legends, ranging in age from their 60s to their 90sand with about 422 years of comedy under their collective beltmeet every other week to kibitz, eat and reminisce. But mostly, theyre there to exercise their comedy chops by cracking wise at every opportunity.

Its this group that Readers Digest has asked to choose Americas all-time best jokes. The magazines editors have winnowed down the thousands of submissions our readers sent in. Our judges job is to pick 10 from that collection. That is, if I can get them to concentrate on the jokes.

Excuse me, excuse me! I yell over the din. I begin handing out sheets of paper containing the gags. Can we start with the jokes?

Rappaport begins: A guy goes to his doctors office and says, Give it to me straight. I know Im sick. How long do I have? The doctor says, Ten …
Ten what? asks the patient. Years? Months? Nine … eight …

Thats a good joke. I vote for that one, says Hiller.
It is a good joke, but its not on our list, I say.

Rappaport peruses the list and offers to read the monk joke, which pits him against Hall, who also wants to read the monk joke. Instead of either reading the monk joke, they start telling their own favorite monk jokes. Maybe we can read a joke from the list? I suggest over the laughter.

Kalish taps a spoon against a glass of Dr. Browns diet cream soda. Point of order! he shouts. Thats what the guys yell when they want everyones attention. It doesnt always work, but thats what they yell. Im going to read one, he says. And remember, gentlemen, Readers Digest is picking up the tab today, so you know what that means: Eat as much as you want.

Joke #1: No hiding the evidence

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.
Submitted by Braeden Silvermist

They all laugh, except Kanter, who sneers, Its so old.
It doesnt matter if its old or not, I say. The point is, is it funny?

No ones listening, because the joke genie has been let out of the bottle, and the gags (none from our list) start flying.

Simmons begins: A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. Caesar leans in to hear. He knows whats coming. They all doits their favorite joke from their stockpile of gags. She pleads, Please, God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back. With that, a big wave washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. The grandmother looks up to heaven and says, He had a hat!

Very funny, but I want to give you a line read, says Rappaport. It should be He had a hat.
No, no, no, says Kanter. Its He had a hat.
He had a hat, insists Rappaport.
Then shes too angry, Kanter counters. Shes not angryshe just wants the damn hat back.

Whod like to read the next joke?
He had a hat? Simmons tries. Owens finally launches into the next gag on the list, drawing it out for all its comic worth.

Joke #2: The dumb-blonde joke

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet.
What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
You keep out of this! she yells. Im talking to that little jerk on your knee!
Submitted by Nancy Gomes

Great, I say. Whod like to tell

You know, that reminds me of a true story, says Owens. It was in the 50s. The ventriloquist Rickie Layne and his dummy, Velvel, were onstage at the Copacabana. In the front row were some gangsters. Velvel starts insulting them. Hey, it looks like you slept in your clothes, he says. Dont you make any money? Is that the best suit you can buy? With each putdown, the mobsters are getting angrier and angrier. Suddenly, the owner of the nightclub, Jules Podell, a real tough guy, jumps onstage. He grabs the dummy and punches him so hard, his head rolls off. Podell then points at Velvels head lying on the stage and says, One more joke like that and Ill kill you!

True story, says Kalish, corroborating it between guffaws.
Can we read another joke? I ask.

Anybody hear of a guy named Evil Eye Finkel? says Kalish. In the 30s, Evil Eyes job was to go to boxing matches and fix some boxer with the evil eye in hopes of jinxing him.

The contest has now been hijacked by tales of all the Evil Eyes the guys have known. Thats when I remind everyone that Readers Digest will pick up the lunch tab only if they actually judge the gags. The men swallow their pickles, pick up their pens and take their jobs quite seriously, often bickering over votes cast.

You actually like that one? Kanter asks Simmons after the latter voices approval of the bra joke. Simmons, in turn, points out that Kanter had little company when he voted for an ill-fated gassy-granny joke.

Here, now, the rest of the 10 best jokes in America (in no particular order), as decided by our judges:

Joke #3: Heavenly looks

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Will I die? she asks.
God says, No. You have 30 more years to live.
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since shes in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great!
The day shes discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains.
Thats true, says God.
So what happened?
God shrugs. I didnt recognize you.
Submitted by Hank Chawansky

Joke #4: A grumpy monk

Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, Food bad.
Ten years later, he says, Bed hard.
Its the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, I quit.
Im not surprised, the head monk says. Youve been complaining ever since you got here.
Submitted by Alan Lynch

Joke #5: The talking dog

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads Talking Dog for Sale. Intrigued, he walks in.
So what have you done with your life? he asks the dog.
Ive led a very full life, says the dog. I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dogs owner, Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?
The owner says, Because hes a liar! He never did any of that!
Submitted by Harry Nelson

Joke #6: Hunting accident

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. Hes not breathing, and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, lets make sure hes dead.
Theres a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, Okay, now what?
Submitted by Gerald Doka

Joke #7: Turtle gets mugged

A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, I dont know. It all happened so fast.
Submitted by Debby Carter

Joke #8: Spooky music

A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When its over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. Whats going on? he asks a cemetery worker.
Its Beethoven, says the worker. Hes decomposing.
Submitted by Jeremy Hone

Joke #9: A priest, a minister and a rabbi …

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see whos best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.
I found a bear by the stream, says the minister, and preached Gods holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.
Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

Joke #10: Canine concerns

A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer and Im as jittery as a cat.
Why dont you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie.
I cant, says the poodle. Im not allowed on the couch.
Submitted by L.B. Weinstein

Funny One-Liners to Get You Laughing

Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember

Bad Jokes You Cant Help but Laugh At

The post America’s 10 Funniest Jokes appeared first on Reader's Digest.

According to scientific studies, it’s not just funny one-liners, funny words, funny photos or funny movies that elicit chuckles. In fact, humor isn’t even the main reason we laugh. Curious about the cause of our giggles and guffaws, we asked Scott to explain the science behind laughter, including the health benefits. This is guaranteed to make you want to laugh more every day.

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What is laughter?

“Laughter is a nonverbal emotional expression,” Scott explains. “The emotion that we seem to be expressing with it is joy, but it’s a social joy that is primarily experienced with other people.”

The community aspect of joy is paramount to understanding the reasons we laugh. While people certainly can (and do) laugh when they are alone, they’re much less likely to than when they’re around other people. According to a scientific paper published in Trends in Cognitive Sciences, people are 30 times more likely to laugh if they are with someone else than if they are alone.

But it’s not something we do intentionally, at least not when it comes to the sort of genuine laughter that bubbles out of us. What’s more, there are times when we can’t help but laugh (and can’t stop), such as if we’re being tickled.

So what exactly is happening in the body when we laugh? Scott explains that laughter is a physiological response. When we laugh, the brain releases endorphins, which relax the whole body. Our facial muscles and respiratory system are both involved in laughter.

In other words, we’re hardwired for laughter. Everyone has the ability to laugh, even blind babies who have never seen laughter and deaf babies who have never heard it. Other mammals laugh too, including rats when they are tickled. “It’s likely that many species of animals laugh and we just don’t realize it because we don’t know what their laughter sounds like,” Scott says.

Why do we laugh?

Sure, you’ll snicker at silly dad jokes and funny pickup lines, but contrary to what many believe, finding something funny is not the only causeor even the main causeof those chuckles. So why do we laugh? There are four primary reasons, and they relate to our need for social connections, our desire to cloak our emotions, our uncontrollable bodily responses and, of course, our sense of humor.

For social connection

Scott points to social connection as the main driver of laughter. Yes, this plays an even bigger part in your belly laughs than hilarious jokes or funny songs.

“Most laughter happens as part of social interactions,” she says. Scientific research supports that. Remember the findings of the Trends in Cognitive Sciences paper? We’re 30 times more likely to laugh if we’re with someone else than if we’re alone. Another study found that people who don’t have many social relationships and live alone laugh less than those who have more social relationships and don’t live alone.

To mask our emotions

People don’t just laugh to express joy. Scott says that sometimes we laugh to mask other emotions. Feeling anger, anxiety or fear can lead to laughter (hence the term nervous laughter). Whether consciously or not, we may use laughter to manage these difficult emotions.

It’s a bodily response

Some people laugh as a response to bodily stimulationnamely, tickling. Scientists still don’t know exactly why tickling leads to laughter, but they do know it’s uncontrollable and involves the hypothalamus, the area of the brain that controls mood (along with body temperature, hunger and heart rate); the parietal operculum, an area involved in sensory, motor, autonomic and cognitive processing; the amygdala, where emotions are processed; and the right cerebellum, which is associated with language.

We find something humorous

It may not be the No. 1 reason we cackle uncontrollably, but finding something funny does make us laugh. Consider comedy movies. Many people find watching someone fall, an essential element of slapstick comedy, particularly humorous. Why do we laugh at this? According to a scientific paper published in Neuropsychologia, the facial expressions of the afflicted can cause us to laugh. When someone falls and looks bewildered, we find this funny.

Is laughter contagious?

Chances are, you’ve been here: surrounded by friends and watching as laughter falls like dominoes around the group. Pretty soon, you’re all shaking, bellies aching with uncontrollable, unstoppable laughter. And it all started with a single, small snicker.

Yep, laughter is contagious. Scientific studies back this up, showing that laughter is contagious in the same way yawning is; often, it’s uncontrollable.

Scott says that the reason we laugh when we see someone else laughing has to do with laughter as a form of social bonding. It’s a way to demonstrate affection and (at least most of the time) shared joy. Social bonds are so critical to the human species that, sometimes, we don’t even realize we’re laughing as a way to connect with others.

Why do we cry when we laugh?

Just like laughter, the tears we produce when we’re laughing are uncontrollable.

When something has us in stitchesa witty dark joke, saywe’ll often find ourselves tearing up. This uncontrollable response is particularly interesting: We generally view laughing as an expression of a positive emotion and crying as an expression of sadness.

“Science doesn’t have a clear answer on why some people cry when they laugh,” Scott says. “One hypothesis is that people produce tears when they’re feeling helpless, and the tears are marking that. But it’s just a hypothesis, and it hasn’t been proven.” Either way, don’t be surprised if a sidesplitting episode of your favorite sitcom has you reaching for the tissues for a happy reason.

What are the health benefits of laughing?

Perhaps a better question than “Why do we laugh?” is “What are the benefits of it?” Science is clear that laughter is good for us. But Scott emphasizes that it’s virtually impossible to know if the health benefits stem directly from laughing or from the socialization that typically goes hand in hand with laughter. To her point, numerous studies have shown that social connection is beneficial for health and can even add years to our lives. Bearing this in mind, below are six health benefits linked to laughter.

Laughter relieves stress

“When we laugh, levels of cortisolknown as the stress hormonego down,” Scott says. “You also get an uptick of adrenaline, and endorphins are released.” This leads us to feel happier and more relaxed. One study even suggests it’s a good add-on to the treatment of stress and depression.

So next time work has your stress levels creeping up (way up), pause to read funny work memes or scroll through humorous social media accounts to get a bit of relief.

It could relieve pain

Studies have shown that laughter is useful for people coping with both physical and emotional pain. Though the research is still young, the connection likely comes back to the fact that laughing releases endorphins.

It probably won’t take your pain from unbearable to zero, but humor could be just the distraction you need to get through a tough time. Give it a go by cueing up your favorite Hulu comedy, or picking up one of the funniest books of all time.

It strengthens relationships

When University of California psychology professor Robert Levinson invited couples into his lab and asked them to discuss things about their partner that irritated them, he found that the couples who tackled this stressful situation using humor and laughter had higher levels of relationship satisfaction.

On a related note, having the same sense of humor as your partner can strengthen your relationship.

Laughter burns calories

According to a Vanderbilt University study, laughing for 10 to 15 minutes can increase your heart rate and oxygen consumption enough to burn 40 calories. That may pale in comparison to an actual workout, but it’s not too shabby as a side effect of enjoying yourself.

It’s good for your brain

Research from Loma Linda University shows that laughing improves the short-term memory of adults in their 60s and 70s. In a randomized, controlled trial, participants who watched funny videos had 44% better recall ability than participants who were asked to sit quietlya pretty remarkable difference!

Laughter is good for your heart

Heart disease is nothing to laugh at … or is it? Research suggests laughter may be good for your ticker. In a 2016 study published in the Journal of Epidemiology, University of Tokyo researchers asked people who were 65 years old or older how often they laughed aloud, finding that those who said they almost never laughed had a higher risk for heart disease and stroke than those who laughed daily, who may have been protected by laughter’s ability to reduce stress.

Laughter is the best medicine

Considering the many and varied benefits of laughter, you may be wondering whether smiling can be just as rewarding. Science does show there are benefits to smilingit can create social bonds, for example. But it won’t make you feel happier or relaxed the way laughter can. Since it takes less effort to smile, it likely has fewer cardiovascular benefits and burns fewer calories as well.

So next time you feel the urge to laugh burbling up, don’t hold back. And if you need something to get the giggles going, consider spending time with people who bring you joy. It just might add years to your life!

Sources:

• Sophie Scott, PhD, professor of cognitive neuroscience at University College London
• Trends in Cognitive Sciences: “The social life of laughter”
• BMJ Open: “Impact of social relationships on income-laughter relationships among older people: the JAGES cross-sectional study”
• Cerebral Cortex: “Exploration of the neural correlates of tickling laughter by functional magnetic reasoning imaging”
• Neuropsychologia: “Why do we laugh at misfortunes? An electrophysiological exploration of comic situation processing”
• Frontiers in Psychology: “Hearing Someone Laugh and Seeing Someone Yawn: Modality-Specific Contagion of Laughter and Yawning in the Absence of Others”
• PNAS: “Social relationships and physiological determinants of longevity across the human life span”
• European Journal of Pain: “Laughing away the pain: a narrative review of humour, sense of humour, and pain”
• International Journal of Obesity: “Energy expenditure of genuine laughter”
• Advances in Mind-Body Medicine: “The effect of humor on short-term memory in older adults: a new component for whole-person wellness”
• Journal of Epidemiology: “Laughter is the Best Medicine? A Cross-Sectional Study of Cardiovascular Disease Among Older Japanese Adults”

Funny Obituaries That'll Crack You Up

Funny Limericks for Clever People

Hilariously Funny Sarcasm Quotes

The post Why Do We Laugh? The Science Behind Laughing, According to Experts appeared first on Reader's Digest.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but we know the truth: A funny Instagram caption can make a funny photo even funnier. After all, there’s nothing like afunny quoteor one-linerto really tie a joke together. Whether you’re looking for the perfectselfie caption, something for the cutest photo of you and your BFF,vacation Instagram captionsor a dogorcat caption to make your pet Instagram-famous, adding some humor under your pic is the way to go. Whatever you need, youre in luck, because we’ve done all the work for you. Start scrolling through your photos now, because these captions are just waiting for the right photo.

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Short funny Instagram captions

1. I call this look: “I tried.”

2. I’m like a fridge: What matters is on the inside.

3. Classy yet sassy.

4. Stressed yet blessed.

5. Entering my caterpillar eraeat, sleep, wake up hot.

6. I did not wake up like this.

7. You’re italic, I’m in bold.

8. When nothing goes right, go left.

9. Reality was calling, but I screen my calls.

10. Don’t worry, Be-yonc.

11. I got 99 problems. That’s it.

Need more inspiration? These funny songs have some lyrics that would make great captions.

Funny Instagram captions for couples

12. It’s cheesy, but she’s stolen a pizza my heart.

13. I love you even when I’m hungry.

14. He was suffering from a lack of vitamin me.

15. Sometimes I look at my partner and think, Damn, they’re lucky.

16. I swiped rightnow it’s for life.

17. I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.

18. Thank you, Tinder!

19. Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. But then I remember that I put up with you, so we’re even.

20. Let’s spend the rest of our lives paying off our student loans together.

21. You’re cute. Can I keep you?

22. I love you more than mosquitoes love me.

23. I thought I could never love anything or anyone more than I love chocolate, but …

Poetry is for lovers, but who are funny poems for?

Funny food Instagram captions

24. Carbs are my soulmate.

25. Always struggling between eating a snack and being one.

26. There’s no “we” in fries.

27. I like to have my cake and eat it too.

28. Wine + dinner = winner.

29. You can’t live a full life on an empty stomach.

30. Another day, another six cups of coffee.

31. This food is better looking than I am.

32. You are what you eat! I’m pizza.

33. When life gives you lemons, sell them, buy a pineapple, upgrade your life!

34. What I eat in a day: 310 meals.

Better finish your meal before you read these funny limericks.

Funny Instagram captions for guys

35. I’m always late because good things take time.

36. Life’s a soup, and I’m a fork.

37. Rollin’ with the homies.

38. If sleep is so important, why does the day start so early?

39. Be savage, not average.

40. Don’t count the daysmake the days count.

41. I need six months of vacation twice a year.

42. My bed is magical. It’s where I remember all the things I forgot to do.

43. Better an “oops” than a “what if.”

44. Putting the “we” in weird.

45. My favorite subject in school was recess.

Impress your boys with these funny movie quotes.

Funny beach Instagram captions

46. Resting beach face.

47. Reachable on my shell phone only.

48. Vitamin sea.

49. Tropic like it’s hot.

50. In need of sea-habilitation.

51. My favorite beach is so Pacific.

52. Don’t let yourself get tide down.

53. Holla at ya buoy.

54. So emoceanal today.

55. This is my life’s porpoise.

56. Water you doing later?

57. Feeling crabby.

58. Ship happens.

59. Dunes and tunes.

60. Girls just wanna have sun.

What’s the perfect accompaniment to the beach? A funny book, of course!

Funny birthday Instagram captions

61. Alive and cake-ing.

62. Once you’re over the hill, that’s when you begin to pick up speed.

63. Go ahead, cake my day.

64. More candles, more wishes.

65. I always get emotional on my birthday. Even my cake is in tiers.

66. Break out the corkscrewI’m aged to perfection.

67. Let’s get lit!

68. No matter which way you slice it, it’s my birthday.

69. Least crumby birthday ever. (We had ice cream cake.)

70. Today, I take the cake.

If you’re celebrating someone else’s big day, check out these funny birthday quotes perfect for cards.

Funny graduation Instagram captions

71. Can I take a nap now?

72. What, like it’s hard?

73. Please employ me.

74. The temperature has risen by one degree.

75. I’m never reading anything again!

76. I’d like to thank Seamless, Wikipedia and CliffsNotes for getting me through the last four years.

77. I’ll never be a college dropout now.

78. Mom, Dad: You’re welcome.

79. The student has become the masterer, the bachelor.

Now that you’re done with school, you’ll have time to text these funny sayings to your friends.

Funny Instagram captions for friends

80. Friends come and go like the waves of the oceans, but best friends stick around like an octopus on your face.

81. If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.

82. You’re the “she” to my “-nanigans.”

83. If your friends are as weird as you, then you have everything.

84. Friends forever. (They know too much about me.)

85. We’re not vainwe’re just pretty.

86. These people know how silly I am and still choose to be seen with me in public.

87. True friendship is connecting automatically to your friends’ Wi-Fi.

88. Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

89. The ketchup to my mustard, the pickle to my mustard and the relish to my mustard.

90. Thank you for always judging other people with me.

91. Friends don’t let friends do stupid things … alone.

Funny gym captions for Instagram

92. Leg day is great. It’s tomorrow that I’m dreading.

93. Obligatory gym selfie. (He actually goes by James.)

94. Took an Uber to the gym. The driver asked me if I ever Lyft.

95. I thought exorcising would help me with my ghost problem.

96. Had to break up with my gym because we weren’t working out.

97. Just weighting around.

98. I have Nikes, but I can’t do it.

99. Confession: I am no longer bench-pressing. It’s a real weight off my chest.

100. Getting ready for Halloweengonna be a jacked-o’-lantern.

If your playlists aren’t as motivating as they used to be, try these comedy podcasts the next time you work out.

Funny Work Quotes for a Better Day

Clever Sarcasm Quotes You'll Love

Funny Poems to Perk Up Your Day

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Give yourself to the dark side

What makes mom memes, jokes about dieting and vacation memes so uproariously funny is that they are totally relatable. The same holds true for dark humor memes, which use gallows humor to elicit major laughs.

People with a dark sense of humor view serious or taboo topicsthink: death, mental health, illness and work dissatisfactionthrough a comedic lens. Dark humor memes are there for you when you feel like if you can’t laugh, you might cry. They provide a safe venue to express, cope with and share the not-so-bright side of life.

While they might not be everyone’s cup of tea, dark jokes and dark comedy movies and TV shows are having a moment. So we’ve rounded up some legitimately funny dark humor memes to go along. Whether you’re looking to make light of serious situations or simply love black comedy, these memes will deliver the laughs.

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Funny insults that bring laughter, not tears

It is a truth universally acknowledged (by us) that there is an art to crafting the perfect insult. After all, what it means to insult someone changes from person to person. One friend’s joke is another friend’s next grudge! Whether you’re clapping back with a funny comeback after someone pushes your buttons or gently teasing a beloved sibling, it’s essential to know where the line is between funny insults and plain mean-spiritedness, like compliments that are insults. Run right up to the lineheck, even walk it like a tightropebut know that crossing it doesn’t mean you have a dark sense of humor. It means you’re going to put a strain on your relationships. That said, there’s plenty of fun to be had joking around with your friends, family and even your kids!

Just like funny sayings and dark jokes, well-timed funny insults are sometimes exactly what you need in social situations. Funny comebacks can help you change the subject, defend a friend or warn someone off messing with you (in a fun way, of course!). And if you have siblings, you already know that the bickering competition takes a lifetime to win.

If your clapbacks are losing their snap or your witty one-liners just aren’t coming together like they used to, fear not! We’ve rounded up dozens of creative insults to help you keep your loved ones on their toes. But don’t worryif they’re crying when you’re done, it’ll only be from laughter.

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The post 100 Funny Insults That’ll Roast Your Friends and Foes appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Hilarious work memes that are all too relatable

Love it or hate it, we’ve all got to do itwork, that is. And whether you’ve already landed your dream job or you’re biding your time at an office gig until you find something better, there’s no doubt that sometimes, the workweek can be tough. From crazy co-workers to overbearing bosses, emails out the wazoo to endless meetings, there’s a reason work is called work. But do you know the best way to combat the workweek blues? Humor, of course! Funny quotesespecially funny work quotes and coffee quotescan help, but when the going gets really rough, there’s nothing better than funny work memes.

And whether you’re slogging through another dull workday or just need a little pick-me-up in the middle of a hectic week, we’ve got you covered. If these funny memes about work aren’t enough to keep you laughing till 5 p.m., check out these Monday motivation quotesand funny inspirational quotesfor a little extra serotonin boost. You’re welcome!

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The post 80 Funny Work Memes to Keep You Laughing Through the Week appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Clean jokes everyone will love

From networking to babysitting to meeting your new partner’s parents for the first time, there is one fallback that works for every single situation: clean jokes. Pulling a classic corny joke or funny one-liner out of your back pocket doesn’t just make everyone laugh (or groan); it also creates connections and dispels awkwardness. There’s a time and a place for dark jokes, and we’ve always got time for a bad joke or two, but when you’re dealing with a mixed group (family wedding, anyone?), it’s best to stick to short jokes that stay on the squeaky-clean side.

Fortunately, we’ve rounded up dozens of wholesome yet hilarious ripsnorters that will delight friends, family and colleagues of every age. Keep this list of clean jokes handy for your next function, and you’ll be remembered as the funniest one there.

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The best cartoons from the ’90s

Kids nowadays are lucky to have a bevy of streaming services and channels chock-full of cartoons to watch at any given moment. It wasn’t always this way. In the ’90s, you had to make sure to check the listings to find out when exactly your favorite cartoons would air on television. Sure, there might be some funny kids moviesor plain ol’ good movies on, but cartoons weren’t on 24/7. Sometimes they were part of the Disney Afternoon lineup. Saturday mornings were also a great time for watching ’90s cartoons. And channels like Disney and Nickelodeon also offered plenty of toons to watch. (A lot of the best ’80s cartoons have stayed lovable too.) With so many ’90s cartoons to look back on, though, which ones have stood the test of time?

Luckily, we’re living at a time where you can easily revisit all your old favorites and funny movies with the push of a button. But don’t look to this list for the best animated movies, or even the best ’90s movieshere, you’ll only find the best ’90s cartoons to watch whenever you’re feeling nostalgic for those pre-streaming, dial-up internet, VHS-playing days of yore.

The post The 20 Best ’90s Cartoons for When You’re Feeling Nostalgic appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Are they romantic? Har-har-hardly! But like funny limericks, roses-are-red, violets-are-blue poems are funnyand great choices if you’re looking for a dose of comedy. While you could send funny roses-are-red poems to just about anyone, these rhyming jokes are ideal for sharing with a partner, friends, family and, yep, even kids.

If you’re sending someone you love a bouquet or gift, writing out a card or just reaching out for funsies, a roses-are-red poem is a cute and cheeky way to tell them you’re thinking of them. Use any of the poems below, or if you prefer to write an original, grab some inspiration from the best funny quotes.

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Funny roses-are-red poems for women

1. Roses are red, violets are blue; white wine costs less than a dinner for two.

2. Roses are red, violets are blue; yo quiero tacos and queso too!

3. Roses are red, violets are blue; I love you from here to Timbuktu.

4. Roses are red, violets are blue; in the words of T. Swift, look what you made me do.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue; my dog is my favorite, but you’re OK too.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue; like Parmesan cheese, I’m grate-ful for you.

7. Roses are red, violets are blue; I want to watch Netflix and chill with you.

Want to write a roses-are-red, violets-are-blue poem that’s funny? Check out a few poetry books or funny books to gather inspiration.

Funny roses-are-red poems for men

8. Roses are red, violets are blue; surf’s up, broyou’re a heck of a dude.

9. R4 is red, R2 is blue; if I were the force, I would be with you.

10. Roses are red, relationships are tough; I love you ’cause we hate the same stuff.

11. Roses are red, violets are blue; I hate poetry, but I’m into you.

12. Roses are red, violets are blue; TL;DR: They differ in hue.

13. Roses are red, violets are blue; you snore like a bear, but I’m still into you.

Impress your Twitter friends with these hilariously funny usernames, and make sure to read these funny Twitter posts.

Funny roses-are-red poems for best friends

14. Roses are red, grass is green; who needs love when you can have funny memes?

15. Roses are red, pizza sauce is too; I ordered a large and, fine, I’ll share with you.

16. Red is to roses as purple is to cabbage; you, my friend, are Megan-Thee-Stallion savage.

17. Roses are red, your eyes are brown; never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.

18. Roses are red, violets are blue; like Mary-Kate and Ashley, our friendship takes two.

19. Roses are red, violets are … violetit’s right there in the name.

If you want to make someone else laugh, try delivering some of the best one-liner jokes. If you want to laugh, check out the funniest movies on Netflix.

Funny roses-are-red poems for family

20. Roses are red, violets are blue; blood’s thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.

21. Violets are blue, roses are red; family bonding time is over, and I’m going to bed.

22. Roses are red, violets are blue; if you don’t like Harry Potter jokes, something’s Siriusly Ron with you.

23. Roses are red, violets are blue; my mom’s TikTok dance is cooler than you.

24. Roses are red, violets are blue; roses are redwhoa, dj vu!

25. Roses are red, violets are blue; I am the walrus, coo-coo-ca-choo.

The family that pranks together stays together, right? Get some inspiration from these hilarious prank videos.

Funny roses-are-red poems for kids

26. Roses are red, violets are blue; you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too.

27. Roses are red, but violets aren’t blue. They’re purple, you gooberget a clue.

28. Roses are red, violets are blue; I’m allergic to flowers. A-a-achoo!

29. Violets are red, roses are blue; did I mention I’m colorblind to you?

30. Roses are red, violets are blue; Baby Shark goes doo-doo, doo-doo doo.

31. Charmeleon’s red, Squirtle is blue; I wish my Pokmon would evolve into you.

Teach your little ones poetry while they’re still young with these wonderful poems for kids.

Romantic Love Poems for Women

Sweet Love Poems for Men

Funeral Poems to Honor Loved Ones

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But sure, these days it feels like kids get all the funny songs, with the ubiquitous “Baby Shark” taking over the speakers at birthday parties. But “Baby Shark” singers Pinkfong and children’s performer Blippi don’t have a monopoly on modern musical humor. That’s right, there are plenty of hilarious songs that are just for the grown-upsand even a few kids performers whose jokes transcend age. So if you’re in the mood for a few laughs, you can watch funny movies, binge-watch a comedy series, turn your living room into a performance space with some at-home karaoke or check out our Spotify playlist of songs that are sure to make you laughand maybe bust a move or two while busting your gut.

“Yes, We Have No Bananas” by Louis Prima

Funny lyric: “We have an old fashioned to-mah-to / A Long Island po-tah-to / But yes, we have no bananas”

Songwriter Frank Silver was inspired to write this novelty ditty by a Greek shopkeeper on Long Island, who answered every question with “Yes.” When the Panama disease impacted banana availability around the world, the shopkeeper would cheerfully say “Yes, we have no bananas” when asked if he carried the fruit. The silly tune ended up becoming one of the bestselling sheet music songs of all time, being re-recorded by multiple artists (although Louis Prima’s is arguably the most famous), and even landed in a Fig Newtons commercial in 1987. The track was famously sung by Belfast’s Protestants and Catholics, who united to protest unemployment and hunger in 1932, as it was one of the few nonreligious songs everyone knew the lyrics to.

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“Peaches” by Jack Black

Funny lyric: “Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches”

The always hilarious Jack Black voiced Bowser, a giant, evil turtle-like creature who is the leader of the army of Koopas, in this spring’s hit film The Super Mario Bros. Movie, based on the iconic Nintendo game, which will particularly delight fans of ’80s cartoons. And while the lyrics of this hit power ballad may not be the most, uh, romantic, it’s Black’s passionate, no-holds-barred delivery that is winning over fans, if not Princess Peach, Bowser’s would-be paramour. The earworm cracked the Billboard Top 100 in April, a first for Black as a solo performer. Interestingly, Bowser/Black wasn’t originally scheduled to sing in the movie, but the producers approached the actor midway through filming with the idea and the start of a song, and the comedian-musician ran with it. “I’m really stoked for people to see this new sensitive side of Bowser,” Black told IGN in an interview.

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“I Wish” by Skee-Lo

Funny lyric: “I wish I had a brand-new car so far / I got this hatchback / And everywhere I go, yo, I gets laughed at”

When gangsta rap was reigning over the airwaves in 1995and funny rap songs were largely unheard ofChicago rapper Skee-Lo came through with this clever, chuckle-along pop-rap song all about his self-professed shortcomings. And yes, he was short, but he also had a crummy Ford Pinto with a hatchback and an 8-trackall of which caused him to have a lackluster love life. While his romantic game might have suffered, his career didn’t: Skee-Lo earned two Grammy nominations for the track, which hit No. 13 on Billboard‘s Hot 100.

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“Raining Tacos” by Parry Gripp

Funny lyric: “Just open your mouth and close your eyes / It’s raining tacos”

Nineties kids will remember Parry Gripp from the band Nerf Herderthey recorded the theme to Buffy the Vampire Slayerbut these days Gripp is the go-to creator of quality music for kids. You name it, he’s written music for it: Storybots, Emily’s Wonder Laband Ben 10, to name a few. He’s also a prolific performer in his own right, penning catchy ditties about animals and memesand creating the Raining Tacos Saga. The first song, “Raining Tacos,” kicks off the tale about a delicious weather phenomenon, but follow-up “Hailing Taquitos” takes a humorously darker turn, pondering “Is it a nightmare or is it a dream?” since the taquitos sort of hurt when they rain down. The saga continues with TacoBots and Tortilla Avalanches, and Gripp promises it will conclude with nine songs by the end of the year.

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“Cheese Tax” by Puppy Songs

Funny lyric: “Hand it over quick or things might get ugly / I can get really loud, I’m a really barky puppy”

If you aren’t following Puppy Songs on TikTok, you’re missing out. The channel, created by Matt Hobbs as an ode to his wife and their two dogs, Leni and Mar Pup, features Hobbs singing creative little ditties about dog life, including “Big Stretch,” “Waiting for Mom to Come Home” and “Cheese Tax.” All the songs will ring true to dog owners and lovers everywhere, and they’re guaranteed to get stuck in your head. Hobbs started producing the videos during the pandemic, and they went viral from there. “I wanted a mega dose of things that make me feel happyfun songs and dogsso I decided to start making Puppy Songs to fill that need for me,” he says on his website.

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“All I Eat Is Pizza” by Koo Koo Kanga Roo

Funny lyric: “My wife is going into labor! / I said every day is pizza time!”

Minneapolis-based duo Koo Koo Kanga Roo has a robust catalog full of dance-along (and laugh-along!) music. After all, it’s what’s made them a hit with kids and elementary school teachers alike. And while the nonsensical “Pop See Ko” might be their best-known song, you can’t deny the catchy appeal of their 2014 track “All I Eat Is Pizza.” It’s a tribute to the gooey, cheesy meal that’s basically a food group for kids (and, ahem, some adultshey, don’t judge!). Try not to sing along to “I’ve got cheeeeeese on my fingers all the time.”

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“Friday” by Rebecca Black

Funny lyric: “Tomorrow is Saturday / And Sunday comes after … wards”

When then-13-year-old Rebecca Black’s parents bought her the chance to sing an original song (with an accompanying video) from vanity studio Ark Music, they had no idea the song would become a massive viral sensation. The 2011 track caught fire online, making Black infamous overnight and launching thousands of memesand questions: Why is a 13-year-old driving a convertible? Why is she singing about which seat she will take? Who is that random older man rapping? Not all the commentary was negative though: Miley Cyrus praised Black as “great” and said she was a fan. And you can’t deny the catchiness of the song or the sheer ridiculousness of the lyrics. Just try not to sing along passionately as you recount the days of the week or ponder “Which seat will I take?”

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“Eat It” by “Weird Al” Yankovic

Funny lyric: “Have some more yogurt / have some more Spam / It doesn’t matter if it’s fresh or canned / Just eat it”

There are a lot of “Weird Al” Yankovic songs that could make this list: “Amish Paradise” (a spoof of Coolio’s “Gangsta Paradise”), “Smells Like Nirvana” (a “Smells Like Teen Spirit” parody, which Kurt Cobain reportedly loved) or any of Yankovic’s original polka songs. But if you’re looking for a surefire way to get the giggles, you can’t go wrong with one of Yankovic’s earliest hits, the 1984 single “Eat It.” A satire of Michael Jackson’s smash “Beat It,” Yankovic’s version came with a video that was a shot-by-shot remake of the original video, but lyrically was from the point of view of a parent trying to get a finicky kid to eat their meal. The song hit No. 12 on Billboard‘s Hot 100 singles chartand earned the singer a Grammy for Best Comedy Recording, his first of five.

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“Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley

Funny lyric: “We’re no strangers to love”

Okay, you’ve got us: There’s nothing inherently funny about the lyrics to Rick Astley’s debut single, which topped charts worldwide when it was released in 1987. The jokes came long after Astley danced in a long beige coat and sang about enduring love. Specifically, 20 years after. In 2007, the concept of “rickrolling” was born on some Internet message boardspretending to link to an article or photo, but instead sending people to Astley’s video for “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Thanks to rickrolling, the video has been viewed more than 1.3 billion times on YouTube, and Astley enjoyed a career resurgence, performing at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and embarking on a nostalgic tour last year with New Kids on the Block, Salt-N-Pepa and En Vogue. And now Astley has the honor of inciting chucklesand cheers!the moment his song hits speakers.

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“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred

Funny lyric: “I’m too sexy for my shirt / Too sexy for my shirt / So sexy it hurts”

Topping the list of funny karaoke songs is this cheeky classic. Sing it with us: “I’m”deliberate pause”too sexy.” What started as a roast of egocentric male bodybuilders posing in the gym mirror has endured as a danceable, quotable song that’s been featured on The Simpsons and in numerous commercials for brands including Toyota and Kroger. Brothers Richard and Fred Fairbrass were inspired to write the song when running a London gym, way back when they were session musicians and played in a band that opened for New Wave icons Joy Division. But the campiness of “I’m Too Sexy” couldn’t be denied; it was better suited to a dance track, and the bop-along pop version topped the charts in the U.S. and the U.K. in 1991.

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“What Does the Fox Say?” by Ylvis

Funny lyric: “Like an angel in disguise / But if you meet a friendly horse / Will you communicate by Morse?”

Everyone knows what sound a cat makes. Everyone knows what sound a cow makes. But what does a fox say? That’s the question posed by the comedy duo Ylvis in “What Does the Fox Say?” Think of Ylvis like the Norwegian version of Andy Samberg’s Lonely Island; “What Does the Fox Say?” was actually first featured on Ylvis’s variety show, I kveld med Ylvis, in their native Norway. The 2013 novelty track cracked Billboard‘s Top 10, and the accompanying video is a splashy, pitch-perfect send-up of overly serious EDM onesso perfect, it passed the 1-billion-views mark on YouTube as viewers sang and laughed along, wondering if the fox says “tchoff-tchoff” or “jacha-chacha.” (For the record, the fox has a raspy shriek.)

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“Boots and Cats” by Boots and Cats

Funny lyric: “I got this boot, this boot, this boot boot boot / I got this cat, this cat, this cat cat cat / I put the boots on the cat”

Back in 2016, a hidden talent of Siri, Apple’s voice assistant, went viral when it was discovered that she can “beatbox” simply by repeating the phrase “boots and cats”which is actually an old hack real beatboxers employ to start honing their skills. Turns out, “Boots and Cats” also makes for a pretty hilarious visual, as children’s music performers Boots and Cats discovered with their most popular song, which happily chants about putting boots on a catbefore gleefully meowing a chorus, all over a relentless EDM beat.

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“The Purple People Eater” by Sheb Wooley

Funny lyric: “But that’s not the reason that I came to land / I wanna get a job in a rock-and-roll band”

The ’50s and ’60s sure were a fun time in American pop music, because that’s when funny novelty tracks like this perennial Halloween favorite first topped the charts. And “The Purple People Eater” really does have everything: References to Little Richard’s “wop bop a loo bop” and the earlier hit “Short Shorts”? Yep. A cleverly named monster that doesn’t eat peopleonly purple people? Sure thing. A surprise ending where the monster joins a rock band? You got it. And if the Purple People Eater in question sounds an awful lot like he’s in Alvin & the Chipmunks, it’s because singer Sheb Wooley used the same techniquespeeding up the recordingthat Alvin’s creator David Seville used on his earlier hit “Witch Doctor.”

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“Lazy Sunday” by The Lonely Island

Funny lyric: “Reach in my pocket, pull out some dough / Girl acted like she’d never seen a ten before / It’s all about the Hamiltons, baby”

The Lonely IslandAndy Samberg’s comedy troupe with Akiva Schaffer and Jorma Tacconehave a robust list of funny songs, but it’s “Lazy Sunday” that’s credited with making YouTube a household name in 2005. When the video of Samberg and fellow Saturday Night Live star Chris Parnell rapping about relatively tame activities, like seeing a matinee of The Chronicles of Narnia and getting cupcakes, was shown on SNL, bootleg clips went viral on the then-unknown video sharing site. The result: Links to “Lazy Sunday” were shared fast and furiously over email and AOL Instant Messenger as co-workers and college kids alike laughed at the comedy duo mean-mugging for the camera as they strutted through the streets of NYC on their way to sneak snacks into a movie theater.

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“One Week” by Barenaked Ladies

Funny lyric: “Like Harrison Ford, I’m getting frantic / Like Sting, I’m tantric / Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy”

Canadian pop-rockers Barenaked Ladies had a handful of songs break through the tough-to-crack American market, like “If I Had $10000000,” “It’s All Been Done” and “Pinch Me.” Still, none has reached the heights of their 1998 smash “One Week” (which spentyou guessed itone week as the No. 1 song in the country). Bolstered by a tightly worded rap rife with chuckle-inducing pop-culture references to everything from Harrison Ford to The X Files, the song very loosely follows the weeklong timeline of a couple’s fight. Want more Barenaked Ladiesinspired laughter? Then stream an episode of The Big Bang Theorythey’re the ones behind the iconic theme song.

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“Blue (Da Ba Dee)” by Eiffel 65

Funny lyric: “Blue are the streets / And all the trees are too / I have a girlfriend and she is so blue”

Is there any song that summarizes the pseudo-futuristic sound and metallic, shimmery aesthetic around Y2K more than Eiffel’s 65’s synth-pop smash “Blue (Da Ba Dee)”? A global phenomenon, it topped the charts in several countries and hit No. 6 on Billboard‘s Hot 100 in January 2000. Sure, the computer animation in the video looks dated in hindsight, but the nonsensicalbut memorably sillychorus and dancey melody keep going, enjoying new life with remixes from artists like David Guetta and Bebe Rexha, whose “I’m Good (Blue)” was nominated for a Grammy this year.

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“Mambo No. 5” by Lou Bega

Funny lyric: “A little bit of Jessica / Here I am / A little bit of you makes me your man”

Head back to 1999, when women everywhere were listening to see if they were name-checked in the worldwide hit “Mambo No. 5,” arguably one of the best-known one-hit-wonders of all time. German singer Lou Bega scored the out-of-the-box hit when Latin music stars like Ricky Martin were gaining momentum on pop radio. And sure, the song itself may not have wildly hysterical lyrics, but it’s been inspiring smiles for more than 20 years. As Bega explained to Vanity Fair, “it’s joyful”and no, he doesn’t mind singing the song, even today.

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“Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” by Monty Python

Funny lyric: “There ya are, see / It’s the end of the film / Incidentally this record’s available in the foyer”

The first few lines of this song sound like an inspirational ditty about staying positive in the face of adversity unless you know the movie scene from which the song originates. That’s right, this 1979 tune is sung by Eric Idle while he’s being crucified at the end of Monty Python’s Life of Brian. The lyrics spiral out of control quickly”Keep ’em laughin’ as you go / Just remember that the last laugh is on you”but maintain the same cheerful delivery, right down to peppy whistling! The tune has taken on a life of its own in England, where it’s often sung at football matches and funerals (no, really).

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“Business Time” by Flight of the Conchords

Funny lyric: “You’re wearing that baggy old ugly T-shirt / You got from your work several years ago / Mmm, you know the one, baby / With the curry stain”

The first single from Flight of the Conchords helped set the tone for what you could expect from the New Zealand comedy duo of Jemaine Clement and Bret McKenzie: laugh-out-loud lyrics delivered with deadpan sincerity and shockingly impressive musicianship. Lyrically, “Business Time” is a hilarious spoof of the marital rut of scheduled intimacy”Wednesday, we make sweet weekly love”but delivered with passionate, breathless R&B vocals and some funky bass. Try not to laugh at the deep, rumbly appreciation of “You sort out the recycling. That isn’t part of the foreplay process, but it is still very important.”

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“Dentist!” by Steve Martin/Little Shop of Horrors soundtrack

Funny lyric: “You’ll be a dentist / You have a talent for causin’ things pain”

Steve Martin’s musical-comedy skills are legendaryjust check out his “Ramblin’ Man” on YouTube or skits from his Saturday Night Live daysbut he put down his banjo and picked up a toothbrush for his role as a sadistic dentist in the 1986 film version of the hit musical-horror-comedy Little Shop of Horrors. The dentist meets an appropriately grisly end, but not before Martin gleefully sings about going into the profession just to cause people pain. This one’s a must-listen for any musical-theater fan or anyone with a severe fear of dentists.

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“Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett

Funny lyric: “The scene was rockin’ / All were digging the sounds / Igor on chains / Backed by his baying hounds”

Is it really Halloween if you haven’t heard “Monster Mash”? That’s right, this top Halloween song has been going strong since its release in 1962, with comedian Pickett cheerfully doing his best impersonation of Boris Karloff, the iconic horror actor who famously played Frankenstein’s monster in the classic films. While Pickett tells the tale of his monster creating a Halloween-ified version of the “Mashed Potato” dance crazethe ubiquitous Monster Mashother classic creatures (like Wolfman, Draculaand his son) come out to join the fun. After all, it’s a graveyard smash!

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“The Chanukah Song” by Adam Sandler

Funny lyric: “Paul Newman’s half Jewish, / Goldie Hawn’s half too / Put them together, what a fine lookin’ Jew”

“The Chanukah Song” premiered on Saturday Night Live in 1994, back when Adam Sandler was a cast member, but it has endured as a seasonal classic. After all, as the comic explains in the original live version, there are a lot of Christmas songs, but “not too many Chanukah songs, so I wrote this for all those nice little Jewish kids who don’t get to hear any Chanukah songs.” A runaway hit, it’s been re-recorded by Sandler in new versions that name-check different Jewish celebrities, and the track inspired an animated movie, 8 Crazy Nights, which takes its name from a line in Sandler’s song.

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“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy

Funny lyric: “They should never give a license / To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves”

A holiday classic that’s beloved by the whole familywell, maybe not by the matriarch”Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” originally started as a novelty country song, recorded by the husband-and-wife team of Elmo Shropshire and Patsy Trigg back in 1979. Yep, for nearly 45 years people have been singing about an eggnog-drunk Grandma getting sleighed by Santa and his magical reindeer. The funny Christmas song has inspired countless covers (it’s surprisingly a favorite of ska bands, with Less Than Jake and Reel Big Fish covering it) and even a like-titled animated holiday special back in 2000.

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Sources:

• IGN: “Jack Black Talks About Love Songs and Bowser’s Softer Side”
• Vanity Fair: “Lou Bega Knows Why Youre Still Dancing to ‘Mambo No. 5’

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Limericks Clever People Will Love

Poems That Will Perk Up Your Day

The post 23 Funny Songs That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud appeared first on Reader's Digest.

The battle began at the Myrtle Beach Costco. I was steering a shopping cart with enough food to stock a doomsday bunker when I spotted a bulky bag of spinach.

We could make a salad, I suggested.

You can make a salad, Mom answered. Im not gonna have any salad.

First blood had been drawn.

Moms dinner table had always been a parade of simple Southern recipes, dishes that seem to say,Were all gonna die of heart attacks, so lets do it as a family. For a newly minted New York City slicker to return home and suggest a salad not of the macaroni persuasion, on Thanksgiving of all days, was blasphemy against God. Of course, I no longer believe in God.

It had already been a challenge for Mom to get me home for Thanksgiving. Id skipped the last four years, opting for romantic trips abroad with my boyfriend. Now, newly brokenhearted, I decided to pull a prodigal child: do the right thing and return home.

Spirit flies direct from New York, Mom texted me.

Going home feels like going backward, I thought but didnt say. The flight was turbulent enough to induce labor, but we managed to land without any change to the number of souls onboard. My entire familytwo sisters, brother, Mom, Dad and my older sisters three childrenwere in the airport lobby with a Welcome Home, Zach sign. The spectacle suggested I was returning from war; Id just forsaken my familial obligations. My mom smiled and gave me a one-handed hug, the other hand gripping my 6-year-old nieces baby doll.

I tossed my tiny bag in Dads truck and rode shotgun. We talked about the weather and city living. Meanwhile, I worried that if I mentioned my ex-boyfriend too loudly, he might drive us into a ditch. Theres a tension in Southern airthe strange bedfellows of homophobia and humidity, and the ever-present terror that the person you were might be long behind you, but they are still breathing down your neck.

On Thanksgiving morning, Mom was in the kitchen preparing cardiovascular warfare. I observed her at work with enough distance to be curious, almost ethnographic, and offered commentary on my findings.

You put sugar in the deviled eggs?!

Just a little, she said. Matter-of-fact.

You know theres already sugar in practically everything? I explained. Big Food adds sugar to keep us addicted.

Oh, is that so, she said, stirring and not changing a thing.

I carved out a corner on the counter and started to put together my simple salad. Spinach, a few tomatoes, some cheese. Id never really been in the kitchen much as a kid. Chores were gendered and uneven in our house: Women did the cooking, washed the dishes, cleaned the bathroom, kitchen and living room, and ironed clothes. Men mowed the lawn. On the TV was the Macys Parade, a fabulous Broadway musical number snuck in between the masculine Spider-Man and bro-y Hulk balloons. I watched it as I finished my three-ingredient masterpiece and asked Mom if I should put on the dressing now or later.

Yeah, put it on there, she answered. And stick it in the fridge so it stays cold.

Maybe Mom was warming up to a collaborator in her kitchen, her queer kid doing her work. She told me she loves me, something she says so often its like shes trying to convince us both.

Think youll have any? I asked.

Nah, Im not gonna have any salad.

My two nieces set the dining room table, used so infrequently that it feels like playing house. Every seat would be full this holiday thanks to my older sisters addiction to having children. My nephew and nieces, referred to as the babies, dont know me well at all, a casualty of my not visiting. A friend told me you can show up for a niece or nephew at any age, but I feel bad that were not closer.

I didnt grow up in this house, so it always feels a bit fake to think of it as home. My parents moved from Roanoke, Virginia, to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, during my first year of college. Generations had lived in a small circle in the Shenandoah Valley, until my entrepreneurial, adventurous mother set her sights on the shore. She built her dream (20-minutes-from-the-) beach house.

Her act of generational, geographic rebellion must have been genetic. I was living my dream too, in New York. Ever since high school, when a coach bus drove me and 40 classmates to watch the witches of Oz from the nosebleeds, I knew I wanted to live there. After a too-long tour of duty in Chicago, a cataclysmic breakup finally jettisoned me to the city of 4 a.m. bars. I was living my (sharing-a-single-bathroom-with-three-other-adult-humans) dream. If everything turned out exactly as we planned, wed be very bored gods.

When the meal was ready, everyone took their seats. Dad emerged from hibernation. He looked gentler now than I remembered, a soft, gray beard hiding his neck. He never hit us, except with zingers and Bible verses. A pastor in his past life, Dad could deliver full-length sermons at the dinner table, hellfire and brimstone as appetizer and aperitif to any meal. Today, hunger bested the Holy Spirit.

Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for the meal. In Jesuss precious name we pray, amen.

The prayer ended, and my 10-year-old nephew outed me. Zachs eyes werent closed!

Mom shot me a stare but broke it quickly. A four-year time-out had put everyone on their best behavior. We silently agreed to try to keep things light on Turkey Day. Instead of yelling about atheism, Christianity, Trump, abortion, homosexuality, kids in cages, racism, capitalism and socialism, we passed the mac n cheese and potatoes.

None for Zach. Zachs a vegetarian, my younger sister said when the turkey made its rounds.

Our plates were filled and emptied.

Why dont we all say something were thankful for? my mom pitched.

Its a tradition wed done as children. I always sat anxiously during the game, shame and fear pulsing through my body because I knew there was only one right answer.

Jesus Christ, my youngest niece said dutifully.

I wondered if her answer would change over timeand as drastically as I hadfrom a straight, meat-eating, Christian conservative to a queer, vegetarian, atheist socialist. Would she get the space and time to dig and grow, or just pour some more sugar in the deviled eggs?

After a couple more thankful answersa few Jesuses and a gas-price joke from DadI became brave enough to share my truth.

Im thankful for Lady Gaga.

Zachary, my mom chided.

I smiled and course-corrected: Im thankful to be with my family.

Aww, she cooed.

Slices of her no-bake cheesecake and a pecan pie from Cracker Barrel, recruited in recent years to help out as the matriarch aged, were distributed. A plastic pitcher of sweet tea met its demise. Dad retreated to the recliner in his bedroom to watch football with my brother, while my sisters cleared the table and loaded the dishwasher. At 15 minutes total, the meal was more of a feeding than a sit-down dinner. Its brevity kept us from hurting each other. Family members always have the nuclear codes for each other, the precise collection of words and phrases that, when entered, cause total annihilation. Tonights short summit staved off mutually assured destruction.

I helped my sisters put the leftovers in the fridge when I saw the carnage. Drowning in buttermilk, waterboarded by ranch, wrinkled beyond recognition: my salad. I reached for the bowl to see if any of it could be salvaged, a mother not ready to say goodbye to her child, but the ingredients had already decomposed. I considered taking a bite, but dessert had left me no room.

This victory would go to my mother. Her subtle but effective smear campaign against something green on her dinner table was a success. Perhaps it was a fools battle to begin withto push against the juggernauts, the parade balloons of Tradition and Mom and Homebut I tried and failed with pride.

Mom passed behind me as I poured the aftermath into the trash.

Oh no, she said. Guess none of us are having salad.

Excerpted from Is It Hot in Here (or Am I Suffering for All Eternity for the Sins I Committed on Earth)?by Zach Zimmerman, published by Chronicle Books. Copyright 2023 by Zach Zimmerman.

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The post How I Survived an Awkward Family Dinner with My Humor Intact appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Because, really, nothing’s better than a big belly laugh to start your week off right. While Monday motivation quotes, funny inspirational quotes, funny work memes, funny quotes and funny coffee quotes can also do the trick, sometimes you just need classic funny work quotes to get up and at ’em in the morning. So sit back, relax and get ready for some work-related chuckles.

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Funny quotes about work

Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. If you need a little extra cheering, listen to these funny podcasts during your morning commute.

1. “As I have gotten older and wiser, I discovered that there are six things that I really loved about my job: payday, lunchtime, quitting time, vacation time, holidays and, of course, retirement.” Tom Goins

2. “I used up all my sick leave, so I called in dead.” Anonymous

3. “The difference between ‘try’ and ‘triumph’ is just a little umph!” Marvin Phillips

4. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” Douglas Adams

5. “Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock.” Pablo Picasso

6. “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” Homer Simpson, The Simpsons

7. “One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” Bertrand Russell

8. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” Charles Lamb

9. “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” George Carlin

10. “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” Edgar Bergen

11. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent a night with a mosquito.” African proverb

12. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” Oscar Wilde

13. “When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” Don Marquis

Funny boss quotes

Love them or hate them (or most likely, a little bit of both), there’s no doubt that your boss can strongly influence your workday mood. If reading funny books, funny poems and funny limericks doesn’t raise your spirit, check out these funny boss quotes to brighten your day instead.

14. “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: You wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” John Gotti

15. “An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field.” Niels Bohr

16. “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” Anonymous

17. “There’s an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.” Peter Drucker

18. “Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.” Doug Larson

19. “By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day.” Robert Frost

20. “If at first you don’t succeed, try management.” Anonymous

21. “Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.” Anonymous

22. “No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early.” Groucho Marx

23. “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” Peter Drucker

24. “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” Earl Nightingale

25. “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” Andy Stanley

26. “Show me a man who is a good loser, and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.” Jim Murray

Funny co-worker quotes

Co-workers: They’re some of the best people when it comes to sharing funny movie quotes and spitballing some funny one-liners. But sometimes they just get on your nerves. Instead of taking it out on them, read these funny co-worker quotes to commiserate.

27. “What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” Phyllis Diller

28. “I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

29. “I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” Bill Gates

30. “I am a friend of the workingman, and I would rather be his friend than be one.” Clarence Darrow

31. “Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the time. Every of the time!” Kevin Malone, The Office

32. “It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.” Alan Alda

33. “Co-workers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” Anonymous

If youre enjoying these, give thesefunny sayingsa go too.

Funny Monday quotes

Funny work quotes are some of the only things strong enough to fight off the Sunday Scariesby joking about Monday morning, of course. And if these aren’t enough, check out some uplifting inspirational quotes that’ll add some extra motivation to your workweek.

34. “I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday.” Anonymous

35. “There are days one should really just sleep through. Like Monday through Friday.” Anonymous

36. “Monday is the yardstick against which all that is unpleasant is measured.” Lou Brutus

37. “The shortest horror story: Monday.” Anonymous

38. “Don’t be a fool. Stop hating Mondays. Be a professional and hate the whole week!” Anonymous

39. “The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.” Anonymous

40. “I hate Sundays because they give birth to Mondays.” Chris Southwave

41. “Why is Monday so far away from Friday and Friday so bloody close to Monday?” Anonymous

Funny dream job quotes

We all have hopes and aspirations, though some people’s goals are more active than others. Whether your dream job entails selling, consulting or sleeping till noon, these funny work quotes are sure to resonate.

42. “Getting paid to sleep … that’s my dream job.” Anonymous

43. “There’s no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.” David Letterman

44. “The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” Groucho Marx

45. “If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it.” Jarod Kintz

46. “Sometimes, the best part of my job is that the chair swivels.” Anonymous

47. “Don’t stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.” George Burns

48. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” A.A. Milne

49. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” Lily Tomlin

50. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” Zig Ziglar

51. “My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” Ted Turner

Need some more laughs? Browse these Monday memes until you laugh (or cry), then check out some Friday memes to end your week on the right foot.

Funny Quotes for Birthday Cards

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Funny Quotes for Birthday Cards

Funny Pictures That'll Crack You Up

Morbidly Hilarious Last Words

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Stream funny movies on Hulu for a dose of nonstop laughter

There are so many great reasons to watch films that make us laugh: to check out the new comedy movies everyone is talking about, add to our ongoing collection of funny movie quotes and forget a rotten day. When you really think about it, there’s never a wrong time to watch a funny movie. And while you might already be aware of the funniest movies on Netflixor the available funny movies on Amazon Prime, you might not know there are also a ton of funny movies on Hulu.

Whether you’re hunting for a family-friendly comedy, a raunchy chick flick or a sappy rom-com, it’s important to remember that a lot of genuinely funny movies also sit on several lists of classic good movies. Since films tend to come and go on most streaming platforms, we’ve done the hard work for you by compiling the ideal list of the best funny movies you can stream if you’re a Hulu subscriber.

How we chose the best comedies on Hulu

We chose the best comedy movies on Hulu by looking at several factors, including box office success and critic and audience reception, as well as availability. Some of these movies are outlandish 1980s comedies your parents might have enjoyed, whereas others are modern classics beloved by 21st-century audiences. But we’ve made sure to include something for all kinds of movie-watchers, so read on for our choices, and then start streaming!

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Stream funny movies on Amazon Prime for a feel-good night in

Serious question: Who doesn’t love funny movies? There’s really never a wrong time to watch a comedy film, especially when you consider that a couple of hours of laughter can turn a bad day around. Whether it’s an old-fashioned family movie or a gut-busting chick flick, there are tons of hilarious comedies right at your fingertips. And we’re not talking about sophomoric films that depend on low-hanging gross-out humor for laughs. A lot of genuinely comical films sit on several lists of critically acclaimed good movies. And you’ll find plenty of these funny movies on Amazon Prime.

That’s right: One of the many Amazon Prime benefits is access to a vast library of incredible films. You might already be aware of the funniest movies on Netflix and the available funny movies on Hulu, but there are also a ton of funny movies on Amazon Prime. Since films tend to come and go on most streaming platforms, we’ve done the hard work for you by compiling the ideal list of the best funny movies you can stream if you’re an Amazon Prime subscriber.

How we chose the best comedies on Amazon Prime

We chose the best comedy movies on Amazon Prime by looking at several factors, including box office success and critic and audience reception, as well as availability. Some of these movies are screwball comedies your grandparents might have enjoyed, whereas others are modern classics beloved by 21st-century audiences. But we’ve made sure to include something for all kinds of movie watchers, so read on for our choices, and then start streaming!

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From short jokes to dark jokes and even bad jokes that earn laughs, this big list of the best jokes for seniors includes some of the funniest jokes we’ve heard in a while. And we’ve been around a looooong time (almost as long as these old-age cartoons). So forget those short jokes for kids and settle in for some old-people jokes that are best appreciated by those who have aged like fine wine.

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Jokes for seniors about getting older

As Benjamin Franklin once pointed out, nothing is certain except death and taxes. And the fact that your skin is destined to lose its fight with gravity. You don’t have to like it, but at least you can laugh about it thanks to these silly old-people jokes that poke fun at the inevitable.

1. What’s the secret to having a smoking hot body as a senior?
Cremation.

2. What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.

3. I used to know a couple who grew fruit trees together. They lived to a ripe old age.

4. What’s the best part of old age?
That it doesn’t last very long.

5. These are not gray hairs! They are wisdom highlights.

6. Which underwear brand do seniors love best?
It Depends.

7. Old age makes us great multitaskers. Why, I can sneeze and pee at the same time!

8. One benefit of old age is that your secrets are always safe with your friends … because they can’t remember them!

9. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind getting older, then it really doesn’t matter.

10. Why do old people love English muffins so much?
All the nooks and grannies.

11. Stop thinking of them as “hot flashes.” Think of them as your inner child playing with matches.

12. How is the moon like dentures?
Both come out at night.

13. Now that I’ve gotten older, everything’s finally starting to click for me. My knees, my back, my neck

14. I’ve decided: Whatever age I am is the new 30!

15. What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.

16. I called the incontinence hotline recently. They asked if I could hold.

Psst! Even if you’re not a spring chicken, these spring jokes will get you giggling.

Jokes for seniors about marriage and family

If cheesy pickup lines are right up your alley, you’re going to fall head over heels in love with these old-people jokes about marriage and family.

17. Of all your children, the only one who won’t grow up and move away is your husband.

18. I always wanted to marry Mrs. Right. I just didn’t know her first name was going to be “Always.”

19. An old woman is sitting at a bar when an older gentleman sits down beside her. “So,” he says, “do I come here often?”

20. My doctor told me I need to sweat daily, so I told him I’d start disobeying my wife.

21. My husband cooks for me like I’m a goddessby placing burnt offerings before me.

22. Where can single men over 65 find younger women who are interested in them?
In the bookstore, under “Fiction.”

23. Bickering with your spouse is like trying to read the Terms of Use for a new service. In the end, you just give up and click “I agree.”

24. Why should you marry someone older than you?
As your looks fade, so will their eyesight.

25. After a big fight, my wife yelled at me, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” So I replied, “That may be true, but I was in love and didn’t notice it.”

26. Be kind to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

27. Why do retirees smile so much?
Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying.

28. Husbands are like lawn mowers: They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time.

29. Love is like one long, sweet dream. Marriage is the alarm clock.

30. Apparently saying, “Oh, this old thing?” isn’t an appropriate way to introduce my wife.

Jokes for seniors about retirement

No retirement party would be complete without a few old-people jokes. So if you like dad jokes, these clever jokes for seniors will have you laughing in no time.

31. What do you call someone who enjoys Mondays?
Retired.

32. You know it’s time to retire when your co-workers are wearing clothing from your youth and calling it retro.

33. The truth is, retirement kills more people than hard work ever did.

34. Retirement is wonderful. It’s doing nothing without worrying about getting caught.

35. When is the best time to start thinking about your retirement?
Before the boss does.

36. My company recently gave me an aptitude test, and I found out the work I was best suited for was retirement.

37. What’s the key to a structured retirement?
A rigid nap schedule.

38. Retirement is what happens between doctors’ appointments.

39. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

40. Sometimes the best part of your career is retirement.

41. Why was the retiree’s wife tired?
She got twice as much husband for half the pay.

42. What’s worse than middle age?
Knowing you’ll grow out of it.

43. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it’ll take all day.

44. Retirement is like one big sick day without sick pay.

Funny one-liners about aging

Sometimes, less is more. And that’s especially true when it comes to corny jokes and funny one-liners about getting older, like these short old-people jokes.

45. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

46. If I ever decide to buy a horse ranch in my old age, I’m going to name it “Pasture Prime.”

47. You know you’re getting old when your doctor refers you to an archaeologist.

48. You’re not getting old; you’re becoming a classic.

49. Old age is a heck of a lot better than the alternative.

50. The older we get, the earlier it gets late.

51. You know you’re getting old when your birthday cake is a fire hazard.

52. Old people are just young people who have been alive for a very, very long time.

53. With age comes wisdom … and hair in really weird places.

54. Allow me to politely suggest that this be the year you start lying about your age.

55. Don’t let aging get you down; it’s too hard to get back up again.

56. I’m getting older and wider instead of older and wiser!

57.With old age comes wisdom and early-bird specials!

58. At my age, the only pole dancing I do is while holding on to the safety bar in the bathtub.

59. When you consider the alternative, old age really isn’t so bad.

60. Aging gracefully is a nice way of saying you’re slowly looking worse.

Once you’ve wiped away the tears of laughter, it’s time for more silliness with these funny limericks.

The Funniest Inspirational Quotes

The Best Funny Sayings

Morbidly Funny Last Words

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These funny prank videos will have you doubling over with laughter

There’s one thing (nearly) everyone can agree on: prank videos are hilarious to watch. They provide us with instant comic relief, as well as great inspiration for our own sneaky April Fools’ pranks. There’s just something about being in on the prank, knowing it’s coming and watching with anticipation as the prankee walks right into the lighthearted trap. We can’t get enough! And lucky for us, there’s no shortage of funny prank videos out there.

In honor of April Fools’ Day drawing near, we’ve rounded up some of the most hilarious prank videos for your entertainment. These pranks for parents, kids and everyone else in your life will get you giggling like there’s no tomorrow. Pranksters, take noteand get ready to laugh.

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Still, the art of the funny username is not all fun and games. On TikTok and Instagram, for example, usernames can contain only letters, numbers, underscores and periods. Facebook, on the other hand, requires you to use a name you go by on a day-to-day basis, which makes changing your name on Facebook slightly more complicated.

What should you consider when choosing a funny username?

Choosing an amazing username is as easy as 1, 2, 3. First, choose where to draw your inspiration from. It might be something like your favorite hobby, a pop-culture reference or just random things you think are funny. Next, create a catchy, punny or downright funny play on words to craft the actual username. So if dancing is your favorite pastime: @soithinkicandance. If you speak in Mean Girls quotes: @personallyvictimizedbyreginageorge. And if you’re just in it for the laughs: @unfinishedsentenc. Finally, make sure it’s not already taken on the social media platform of your choice.

One thing to keep in mind: This account will most likely be linked back to your personal identity, so keep it PG or PG-13. Have fun and be silly, but skip the dirty jokes.

If you’re looking for an LOL-worthy username, you’ve come to the right place: With more than 100 funny usernames, we’ve got you covered. In fact, you’ll become such a pro, you’ll go on a naming spree, coming up with funny Wi-FI names, group chat names, car names and boat namesyou (user)name it!

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Funny TikTok usernames

Funny TikTok usernames are having their moment in the sun as the app becomes even more popular. But just as you would when coming up with memorable dog names and cat names, take some time to think through your options. Your TikTok name can make or break your chances of going viral. Check out these funny usernames for inspiration, and you’ll be racking up the likes in no time.

• notmysundaybest
• soithinkicandance
• ivegottalent
• moshpitmomma
• twoleftfeet
• dancedanceresolution
• hold_me_closer_tiny_dancer
• holdmeclosertonydanza_
• illdoittomorrow
• ivebeenhacked
• queenkong
• hereforthedogs
• generationold
• wrinklesarethenew20
• memesrus
• jokingjester
• dumbledorky
• personallyvictimizedbyreginageorge
• lordofthesings
• princesscharming
• myonlinelife
• mackincheese
• floptiludrop
• servintime
• www.iheartme.com
• real_or_not_real
• my_embarrassments
• thisisntme
• 1800wrongnumber
• regret_this_already

Funny usernames for gamers

Calling all gamers! While it may not be as fun as getting a brand-new VR headset or super-speed Wi-Fi router, picking out funny usernames will give you (and other players) a laugh.

• chinkinthearmor
• cuttthroatcutie
• nopainnogain
• gamergirlsdoitbetter
• gamerguysdoitbetter
• slashingsamurai
• paranoidpirate
• catman_and_robin
• deadlydynamite
• leftoutofsuicidesquad
• captainobvious
• gonewiththewin
• itsamemario
• wonderwomanwoo
• donthatetheplayer
• beardedolddude
• harleyquinnjr
• oneofcharliesangels
• winnerwinnerchickendinner
• wearethechampions
• diablodestiny
• godofgames
• fastfingers
• ninelives
• princesspeachpie
• iatepacman
• outofcontroller
• deathstar
• 2fast2furious
• elfishpresley

Funny Reddit usernames

Reddit is like a one-stop shop for all Internet information, so whether you’re looking for bad jokes, conspiracy theories, puns for kids, funny inappropriate usernames or absolutely anything in between, chances are there’s a Reddit thread for that. And no Reddit thread is complete without funny usernames to do the tea spilling.

• hesaidshesaid
• justanaverageguy
• stealydan
  
• isthisthingon
• hairypotter
• piggybackbandit
• istillusemyspace
• unfinishedsentenc
• shaquilleoatmeal
• hairypoppins
• couldntfindagoodname
• thefastandthecurious
• mistakemaker
• chinchillin
• pointlesspencil
• labracadabrador
• kickinandscreamin
• unfriendme
• themilkyweighin
• dairyking
• kissmyaxe
• spongebobsweatpants
• hotgirlbummer
• meandwho
• womanofsteal
• trashpanda
• googlewasmyidea
• batmanandbobbin
• anonymoose
• hogwartsdropout

Funny Instagram usernames

While Instagram is a photo-based social media platform, that doesn’t mean words aren’t importantpeople still read Instagram captions, after all. The same goes for online aliases. Funny usernames can reel followers in, so make sure yours gets a laugh. Do it for the ‘gram!

• guesswho
• reigningcatsanddogs
• theoginstagrambaddie
• instafresh
• morgan_freewoman
• cerealkiller
• stillloading
• imagenotfound
• mynameis
• insertsomethingfunny
• nonamefound
• thisisafakeaccount
• crazycatlady
• heirofthedog
• breadpitt
• befurreal
• hoosierdaddy
• yesimhilarious
• cuteasduck
• reese_witherknife
• meforpresident
• instadummy
• instagramboyfriend
• facebookgrandma
• ctrl_alt_dlt
• budlightyear
• middleagedirtbag
• myfakelife
• mayorofwhoville
• dontaskmyname

Funny Snapchat usernames

Funny usernames are perfect for Snapchatfrom silly selfies to frivolous filters, this social media app screams hilarious. Just like finding the perfect nickname for a girlfriend or boyfriend, finding your perfect funny Snapchat username is all about going with your gut.

• snapcracklepop
• dontsnapme
• bendandsnap
• snapitlikeitshot
• ilikeinstagrammore
• onawinningstreak
• legallybrunette
• snapofthefingers
• peekaboo
• kentuckycriedfricken
• snapjudgment
• oh.snap
• snap_out_of_it
• neverbeensnapped
• itsyourmom
• makeitsnappy
• heyyou
• sorryisnapped
• 2old4this
• yungsnapper
• thekidswerealldoingit
• saynachocheese
• mynamehere
• devilwearingprada
• ishouldbeworking
• awkwardturtle
• snap_ya_later
• scoobydont
• 1800dontsnapme
• strictlybizness

Now that your socials all have LOL-worthy usernames, read about the funniest street names in every state.

Trendy Yet Vintage Baby Names

Popular Baby Names in Each State

Disney-Inspired Dog Names

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Sometimes, we just need a quick and easy laughand there’s nothing quicker or easier than picking up the phone and dialing in some laughs. But this April Fools’ Day, we’re putting a twist on the classic idea of numbers to prank call. The time of anonymously calling up your friend or a complete stranger as an April Fools’ prank has come and gone, especially since it can be mean-spirited and everyone has Caller ID anyway. Instead, pass along one (or more!) of these numbers to give that special someone a chuckle.

Or if you’re feeling extra silly, call them yourself! These prank call numbers make for the perfect April Fools’ pranks for kids and parents alike. And if you love this, try these April Fools’ text pranks next. Happy dialing!

The most hilarious prank call numbers

From Better Call Saul, Saul Goodman’s hotline: 505-503-4455

Know someone who’s absolutely obsessed with Better Call Saul, the hit spinoff of the other outrageously popular TV series Breaking Bad? If so, send this funny number to call their way ASAP. Saul Goodman will “answer” the phone and give his infamous legal advice: Keep your mouth shut and your head down! For the right fan, this may be even more appreciated than a gag gift or April Fools’ Day meme.

Santa’s workshop: 951-262-3062

Ho, ho, ho! Who says Santa takes the month of April off? Call up Santa’s personal hotline to speak with the man in red himself. Not only is this one of the best numbers to prank call for kids, but it works just as well for adults who are looking for a chuckle and a dose of childlike wonder. Don’t forget to tell Santa what you want for Christmas while you’re at it. And if you’re looking for more holiday-themed numbers, check out these Butterball hotlines for Turkey Day.

From Stranger Things, Murray Bauman’s residence: 618-625-8313

Revisit the Stranger Things craze by dialing Murray Bauman’s number, which was revealed in the third season of the hit Netflix show. Murray, a private investigatorslashconspiracy theorist, has a special message for two important women in his life: Joyce Byers, in regard to their joint quest to save the world, and his mother, who is sure to make anyone chuckle. This is the perfect April Fools’ joke for any fan of the Upside Down. Also, if you’re into astrology, here are some pranks to pull based on your zodiac.

Callin’ Oates: 719-266-2837

There’s nothing like some unexpected ’70s pop rock to make you laugh more. Give this phone number to an unsuspecting friend, and they’ll be giggling in no time as a British female operator tells them they’ve reached the Callin’ Oates hotline. One of the best numbers to prank call for music lovers, it gives you the choice to listen to some of Hall & Oates’s biggest hits: Press 1 for “One on One,” 2 for “Rich Girl,” 3 for “Maneater” and 4 for “Private Eyes.” While you’re at it, here are some prank videos for the right April Fool’s inspiration.

Rickrolled: 248-434-5508

Boomyou just got Rickrolled! Or at least this is what you can tell someone after sending them this number, which will immediately start playing Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.” Not familiar with Rickrolling? It’s an Internet term for pranking someone by randomly sending them videos of the ’80s pop hit. It’s time to take this trend to the telephone, which will make your victim all the more unsuspecting. This has “April Fools’ prank for a boyfriend” written all over it!

Worst hold music: 858-924-0180

Waiting on hold for an eternity while the same jingle replays over and over is the absolute worst. Or is it? This number takes the cake for the actual absolute worst hold music. Yep, that’s the sound of Britney Spears’s “Toxic” being played by an extremely out-of-tune recorder (aptly named “S****yfluted” on YouTube). This funny number to call is sure to cause a laugh … until the listener starts screaming.

Test call gone wrong: 914-737-9938

Sometimes you’re just over your job and the voice on the other end of this number can relate! What starts out as a normal test-call announcement for Westchester County, New York, turns into a pretty hilarious prank-call opportunity. “This is a CPTA announcement. This is a test,” starts out the voice. “I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say, and I’m not too concerned with it.” Talk about blas! This harmless gag is a perfect office prank.

From South Park, Trey Parker’s number: 719-838-4002

Calling all South Park enthusiasts! This number goes directly to Trey Parker’s alleged voicemailand he has some pretty funny things to say. Just be warned that you’ll be in the mood to binge-watch the series afterward.

Sesame Street hotline: 626-831-9333

While this funny number to call may seem geared toward kids at first, who wouldn’t want to hear beloved childhood characters Grover and Oscar the Grouch give some silly life advice? This harmless prank call number is sure to produce not only laughter but also a smile. Just don’t take anything Oscar says too seriously!

Kids pep-talk line: 707-873-7862

This pep-talk hotline contains encouraging messages fromyou guessed itkids. Both silly and adorable, this is one of those numbers to prank call to get someone out of a funk. And really, it’s more of a precious gift than a prank, if you ask us!

Now that you know all about the best numbers to prank call, it’s time to learn about the biggest scam phone numbers to avoid.

The Funniest Jokes of All Time

Bad Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Cheesy Pickup Lines You Can't Resist

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Hilarious winter jokes for the perfect pick-me-up

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Cupid-approved Valentine’s Day pickup lines

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate all things love, whether it’s an ber romantic relationship that gives you heart eyes or a budding romance that produces nonstop butterflies. And with the beloved holiday fast approaching, you may be looking for fun Valentines Day ideas to plan with your better half, or scouring the internet for funny valentine’s quotes to write in their card. There’s so much to do for your sweetie, after all! But if you really want to make them feel special and give them a giggle, try breaking out some Valentine’s Day pickup lines this year.

The great thing aboutValentines Day pickup lines is you can tailor them to fit the person you’re flirting with. Some people love using a cheesy pickup line on a fresh Tinder match, whereas others use a romantic line to make their spouse feel special. That’s why we’ve included a mix of romantic, smooth and downright hilarious lines to use on your valentine. Enjoy! And don’t forget to browse through (and bookmark) our favorite pickup lines for guys and girls.

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Valentine’s Day puns you’ll love

Valentine’s Day rolls around every year on Feb. 14. And whether you’re single on the holiday, you’ve just started a new relationship or you’ve been married to your sweetheart for years, it’s always a nice Valentine’s Day idea to send a heartfelt or funny message to a loved one. (Even a Valentine’s Day memecan suffice.) But these Valentine’s Day puns and jokesare sure to warm their heart and make them laugh, and evenkids will get a kick out of them! If you’re happily hooked up, you’ll also want to check out these couples Instagram captions to show off your love.

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Have you ever heard a joke so funny, you said it killed you? You’re in good company.

The 15 wisecrackers on this list are princesses and playwrights, murderers and martyrs. They span centuries and cultures, but they all share one thing: They used their dying breath to utter the funniest quotes of their lives. Likefunny obituaries and the funniest tombstones, the famous last words of these witty people show that death doesn’t have to kill a sense of humor.

Their funny last words prove that this is really how the world ends: not with a bang, but with some laughter.

The post 15 Funny Last Words That Are Morbidly Hilarious appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Some of these pickup lines are cheesy and cheeky, others are sentimental and sweet. Use them to grab that special guy’s or girl’s attention at a Christmas party, or even over Tinder. Let the holiday flirting begin!

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The best Christmas pickup lines

1. Can I have your number and give you a jingle later?

2. I’d love to take you out for a sleigh ride sometime.

3. I don’t care what Santa saysyou’re at the top of my nice list.

4. If things go well, what do you say we get merried?

5. Call me a Christmas giftbecause I’m already wrapped up in you.

6. Meet me under the mistletoe?

7. You and my Christmas tree topper have something in commonyou’re both angels.

8. Are you the Grinch? Because you’ve stolen my heart this Christmas.

9. I really like you, from my head to my mistletoe.

10. Want to get together and play some reindeer games?

Need more holiday laughs? These Christmas puns are sure to make you giggle.

11. Are you a Christmas tree? Because I’m really pining fir you.

12. Mind if we take a picture? I need to show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas.

13. This Christmas, if I give you my heart, will you promise not to give it away?

14. Care to dance with me merrily in the new old-fashioned way?

15. I’m fa-la-la-la-la-ing for you!

16. ‘Tis the season to be jollyand get your phone number.

17. I’d come down the chimney for you any day.

18. Christmas cookies aren’t the only sweet things I have my eye on this holiday season.

19. Did you know you and the Christmas lights have something in common? You both light up the room.

20. Call me an ornamentbecause I’m hanging on your every word.

Bookmark these flirty knock-knock jokes that will make your special someone laugh.

21. You’re prettier than a partridge in a pear tree!

22. Who needs tinsel when you have a sparkling smile like that?

23. Care to help me make this gingerbread house a gingerbread home?

24. Let’s rock around the Christmas tree together.

25. This year, the only present I want is your presence.

26. Move over, sugar plumssomeone else will be dancing in my head tonight.

27. Santa must have really worked his magic if there’s an angel like you in our midst.

28. Care to feel my ugly Christmas sweater? It’s made of [boyfriend/girlfriend] material.

29. Sorry, but Santa told me you’re on the naughty list this year for stealing my heart.

30. I’m going chestnuts over you!

Need some texting inspiration? These flirty texts strike just the right romantic notes.

31. I didn’t ask for a lot for Christmas this year … just you and me, snuggled on the couch watching Christmas movies. You think Santa will deliver?

32. I’d risk my spot on the nice list for you.

33. How much does a reindeer weigh? Enough to break the ice.

34. Sleigh bells don’t have to be the only thing ringingcan I give you a call tonight?

35. Santa promised me something spectacular for Christmashe must have meant you.

36. The secret’s out. I’m crazy fir you!

37. Do you hear what I hear? It’s the sound of sparks flying between us.

38. Want to go frolic and play the Eskimo way?

39. You’ve given me the best present of the seasonthis huge smile on my face.

40. The tree may be fake, but this connection isn’t.

Want to make your holiday sweetheart laugh? Crack these Christmas jokes and let the laughs commence.

41. Call me a Christmas candlebecause I’m burning for you.

42. I ho-ho-hope I can get your number tonight.

43. I just told Santa not to bother with Christmas gifts this yearbecause nothing can top seeing you.

44. I think we’re orna-meant to be.

45. This thing we have is really be-yule-tiful.

46. I usually dream of a white Christmasbut tonight, I’ll be dreaming of you instead.

47. The chemis-tree between us is undeniable.

48. Call me a snowmanbecause I’m melting in your warmth!

49. That star on top of the Christmas tree has nothing on your glow.

50. In the words of Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas is you!

Now that you’ve browsed through these Christmas pickup lines, check out these Christmas captions that perfectly sum up your holiday photos.

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The post 50 Christmas Pickup Lines That Will Land You a Kiss Under the Mistletoe appeared first on Reader's Digest.

Leave your guests in stitches with these funny Thanksgiving puns

Psst! Believe it or not, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. That means it’s time to get the food prepared, the guest list finalized and the house in tip-top shape for loved ones. Food is the heart of Thanksgiving, but entertaining is the souland what’s more entertaining than humor? It helps us find common ground with one another as we share laughs over a scrumptious meal. If you need some chuckle-worthy material, these Thanksgiving puns will do the trick.

The food puns and funny Thanksgiving quotes below are a little bit of everything: clever, cheesy, hunger inducing… You get the picture. Use them in tandem with these Thanksgiving memes and riddles to tickle each person’s funny bone as they fill up their plates.

The post 50 Thanksgiving Puns That Will Make Your Dinner Guests Bust a Gut appeared first on Reader's Digest.

If you’re looking to nab a new boo before the year-end holidays hit, use these Halloween pickup lines to create some scary-good chemistry at a monster bash, on Tinder, in a haunted house or wherever your ghastly heart desires. There’s a mix of pickup lines for guys, girls, ghouls, goblins and everything in between. S0 let the spine-tingling flirtation commence!

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Best Halloween pickup lines

1. Lets skip the tricks and cut right to the treats.

2. Are you a ghost? Because its scary how good you look.

3. I looked into my crystal ball, and it showed us having a great future together.

4. Youre looking boo-tiful tonight!

5. Youre Frankenfine.

6. Are you a witch? Because youve cast a spell on me.

7. You’re so bewitching!

8. Id walk through 1,000 haunted houses for the chance to ask you out.

9. I know what your Halloween costume should be: my date.

10. You can carve my pumpkin anytime.

11. Whats a nice ghoul like you doing in a place like this?

12. Dang, ghoul, I’m loving your look.

13. Are you a haunted house? ‘Cause you have my heart pounding.

14. Be my ghoulfriend?

15. Isnt it scary how your number isnt in my phone yet?

16. Are you a zombie? Because youre drop-dead gorgeous.

17. Want to watch scary movies and cuddle?

18. Id love to take you home to meet my mummy.

19. Do you like things that go bump in the night?

20. Are you a candy bowl? Because youre lookin’ like a snack.

Loving these Halloween pickup lines? Then check out these cheesy pickup lines that are sure to get a chuckle.

21. Call me a vampirebecause I’d love to take a bite out of you.

22. I saw you from across the room and was just dying to meet you.

23. Baby, youre the pumpkin to my spice.

24. Will you be the ghost that haunts my dreams?

25. Hey there, gourd-eous.

26. Call me a jack-o’-lanternbecause something inside me lights up when I see you.

27. That smile of yours is eerie-sistable.

28. We can have a howling good time together.

29. Are you a vampire? Because this is feeling like love at first bite.

30. I’m going batty over you!

31. Zom-be-mine?

32. You’re sweeter than a bag of Halloween candy, baby.

33. You’re really lifting my spirits tonight.

34. Lookin’ gourd.

35. We’re meant to beI can feel it in my bones. (Works great if you’re dressed as a skeleton!)

36. Excuse me, I’m a little superstitiousmind if I get your number for good luck?

37. Let’s head to the bar and engage with more spirits.

38. Huh, so you’re the answer to my prayers. (Works on someone dressed as an angel.)

39. I’ve been waiting for a ghoul like you.

40. Are you a mummy? Because I’m already wrapped up in you.

Send your new boo these flirty texts to keep the romantic banter going.

41. Want to meet up for some i-scream later?

42. You’re looking meow-velous! (Works on someone dressed as a cat.)

43. Is your costume “My future boyfriend/girlfriend/partner”? If so, you nailed it.

44. Mind if I call you on the tele-bone later?

45. I’d love to get the spoo-key to your heart.

46. Call me the undead, because my heart stopped the second you walked in the room.

47. I know it’s Halloween, but don’t worryI would never ghost you.

48. Want to hear a scary story? You and me not ending up together. Terrifying.

49. Trust me, this connection isn’t just a bunch of hocus pocus.

50. I have a monster crush on you!

51. Are you a black cat? Because you look purr-fect tonight.

52. Call me a crystal ball, because I’m seeing our future right nowand it looks bright.

Now that you’ve got these Halloween pickup lines handy, browse through these flirty knock-knock jokes guaranteed to make your sweetheart smile.

Additional reporting by Alex Aronson.

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The post 52 Halloween Pickup Lines for Your New Boo appeared first on Reader's Digest.