Puns

Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage? A: He lost his case.

Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book? Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

Q. What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain? A. I guess we'll just have to make dew.

Trying to get online at my mother-in-law’s, I scrolled through various Internet access names. One neighbor’s Wi-Fi really stood out: “You Kids Get Off My LAN!”

What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

Q: Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

A: It's too high a price 'toupee.'

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A. A nervous wreck.

Q. How much money does a pirate pay for corn? A. A buccaneer.

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.

I'm a big fan of whiteboards. I find them quite re-markable.

Q. Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight? A. It had too many sleepless knights.

Q. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? A. Ireland. Every day it's Dublin.

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii."

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn't make any cents!

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches, but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)  

Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

All these sea monster jokes are just Kraken me up. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

Q. Why can't you run through a campground? A. You can only ran, because it's past tents. (Credit: @punnstagram)

What do you call a thieving alligator? A Crookodile

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe

What do you call a pig that does karate? Pork chop

Q: What did the watermelon say to the cantaloupe? A: You're one in a melon

Don't go bacon my heart. I couldn't if I fried.

If you were a fruit, you'd be a fine-apple

I love you from my head tomatoes

Q: What do you get when two dinosaurs crash their cars? A: T-Rex

Q: What job did the frog have at the hotel? A: Bellhop

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: Pork chop

Q: What do you call an everyday potato? A: A commentator

Q: How do you put a baby alien to sleep? A: You rocket

Q: What do you call a thieving crocodile? A: A crookodile

Q: What do you call a lazy kangaroo? A: A pouch potato

Q: What did the volcano say to his wife? A: I lava you

Q: What do you call and owl that does magic tricks? A: Hoodini

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor? A: It wasn't peeling well

Q: What do you call a classy fish? A: Sofishticated

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth? A: Gummybear

Are you a cheetah? No, you lion!

Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet

Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.

Q: What do you call and alligator in a vest? A: An investigator

Q: What kind of shorts do clouds wear? A: Thunderwear

Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of "in" is. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make? A. A dino-snore.

Q. Why can't Harry Potter tell the difference between the pot he uses to make potions and his best friend? A. They're both cauld ron. (Credit: @hogwartslogic on Twitter)

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

Want to hear something terrible? Paper. See? I told you it was tear-able.

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. (Credit: justbadpuns on tumblr)

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?" I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!  

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.

An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?  It was a grave mistake.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out.  What a waste of thyme.

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.  I’m not really a mourning person.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.  A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Ray’s friends claim he’s a baseball nut. He says they’re way off base.

The public safety officer came up to a large mob of people outside a department store and asked, “What’s happening?”

A mall officer replied, “These people are waiting to get the new Barbie doll.” The public safety officer shook his head and muttered, “Who can resist a Barbie queue?”

A lizard walks into a bar pushing a baby in a stroller. "What's your kid's name?" asks the bartender. "Tiny," says the lizard. "Because he's my newt."

Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where all the fruit is?  

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

Someone stole my toilet and the police have nothing to go on.

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.