108 Sarcastic Quotes That Are the Perfect Mix of Witty and Clever
Updated: Aug. 22, 2023
Looking for a roundup of hilarious sarcasm quotes? Here they are. You're soooo welcome.
Love ’em or hate ’em, there’s a reason sarcasm quotes are all over the internet. Like funny sayings, sarcasm quotes play with the interpretation of words and tone in a way that can stretch your brain if you’re not expecting it. To use sarcasm, you have to say something that’s the opposite of what you mean (kind of like uttering a funny inspirational quote when you’re trying to be anything but inspiring). To understand sarcasm, you have to pick up on both the literal meaning and the underlying sentiment. Sarcasm is a true lie.
But there can be a dark side to all that insincerity. The word sarcasm comes from a Greek word, sarkazein, that means “to tear at something,” like a dog might. By the 1570s, the word had become sarcasmus, meaning “a biting remark or gibe.” A sarcastic taunt can stick like nothing else; there’s a reason we might say our sarcastic colleague has a sharp tongue. Instead of playful zingers like funny coffee quotes or funny work quotes, their comebacks are mocking.
So why do we use sarcasm so much? There are a few possible reasons you’ll catch everyone from kindergartners to senior citizens doing some verbal eye-rolling. For starters, sarcasm is hilarious. Like perfectly timed funny quotes, a sarcastic comment can put someone rude in their place or help you make a self-deprecating joke (think: tripping over your shoelace and saying “Smooth move, huh?”). Sarcasm is also a more mature way of expressing feelings like anger or disappointment. When your car doesn’t start yet again, you can turn to your mechanic and say, “I’m so glad we chose this one” instead of yelling in frustration.
By definition, sarcasm is the opposite of sincerity, and you can use it to signal that you’re not naive—this is probably why teens, in particular, spout sarcasm nonstop. Who wants to seem cooler and more grown-up than a high schooler? Whether you’re looking to improve your comeback game or simply enjoy a smirk or two, these quotes will teach you the art of sarcasm. (Not that you need help in the humor department.)
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Sarcastic witty quotes
1. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” —Fred Allen
2. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” —Groucho Marx
3. “History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.” —Abba Eban
4. “I cannot speak well enough to be unintelligible.” —Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey
5. “When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.” —Unknown
6. “Have no fear of perfection—you’ll never reach it.” —Salvador Dalí
7. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” —Johnny Carson
8. “If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.” —Unknown
9. “A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” —Unknown
10. “Don’t be so humble—you are not that great.” —Golda Meir
There’s witty, and then there’s next-level witty: deploying funny one-liners.
Quotes about sarcasm
11. “When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.” —Unknown
12. “You see, that is the sad, sorry, terrible thing about sarcasm. It’s really funny.” —Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians
13. “Sarcasm is the last refuge of the imaginatively bankrupt.” —Cassandra Clare, City of Bones
14. “Sarcasm helps me overcome the harshness of the reality we live, eases the pain of scars and makes people smile.” —Mahmoud Darwish
15. “It’s all fun and games until someone doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm.” —Unknown
16. “It’s wildly irritating to have invented something as revolutionary as sarcasm, only to have it abused by amateurs.” —Christopher Moore, Lamb
17. “My level of sarcasm has gotten to a point where I don’t even know if I am kidding anymore.” —Unknown
18. “You never realize how truly sarcastic you are until you have a mini-me who acts the same way.” —Unknown
19. “Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit! Yet it remains the funniest.” —Unknown
20. “Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.” —Unknown
21. “I’m allergic to stupidity. I break out in sarcasm.” —Unknown
22. “Honey, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic.” —Megan Mullally as Karen Walker on Will & Grace
23. “Sarcasm is not an attitude. It is an art.” —Unknown
24. “Sarcasm and compassion are two of the qualities that make life on Earth tolerable.” —Nick Hornby, Songbook
25. “Sarcasm: helping the intelligent tolerate the obtuse for thousands of years.” —Unknown
26. “I’m not sarcastic. I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding.” —Unknown
27. “There is a great need for a sarcasm font.” —Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead
28. “Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.” —Unknown
Sarcastic quotes about sarcasm? Now that’s meta. For more deep thoughts with a side of laughs, check out these funny books.
Funny sarcasm quotes
29. “If you think nobody cares that you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” —Unknown
30. “Sometimes I feel so sick at the state of the world I can’t even finish my second apple pie.” —Banksy, Wall and Peace
31. “Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.” —Homer Simpson
32. “When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it.” —Bernard Bailey
33. “What’s on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.” —Fred Allen
34. “Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege.” —Unknown
35. “I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.” —Oscar Wilde
36. “October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” —Mark Twain, Pudd’nhead Wilson
37. “I’m sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.” —Cassandra Clare
38. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.” —W.C. Fields
39. “Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can.” —Unknown
40. “I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables but when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.” —Unknown
41. “People think I go out of my way to piss them off. Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.” —Unknown
42. “Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.” —Bill Murray
If you’re looking for a new way to be funny, these sarcasm quotes can help—and so can these funny poems.
Sarcasm quotes for friends
43. “Zombies eat brains. You are safe.” —Jon Stewart
44. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” —Oscar Wilde, The Duchess of Padua
45. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” —Steven Wright
46. “Sarcasm is such an unattractive quality in anyone but me.” —Samantha Young, Smokeless Fire
47. “If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” —Theodore Roosevelt
48. “He has van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder
49. “You know what I like about people? Their dogs.” —Unknown
50. “Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” —Rita Mae Brown
51. “I’ll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.” —Unknown
52. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you knew everything.” —Unknown
53. “It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.” —Unknown
54. “I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” —Russell Lynes
55. “Please cancel my subscription to your issues.” —Unknown
56. “You’re not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.” —Unknown
57. “I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?” —Unknown
Making your friends laugh with a perfectly sarcastic quote is great, but making them laugh with a funny quote from a Netflix comedy film might be even better.
Sarcasm quotes for work
58. “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” —Unknown
59. “The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” —Robert Frost
60. “People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.” —Bill Watterson, The Calvin and Hobbes Tenth Anniversary Book
61. “Please submit your ideas to me today so I can submit them as my own tomorrow.” —Unknown
62. “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” —Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt
63. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey
64. “There are times my greatest achievement is keeping my mouth shut.” —Unknown
65. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” —A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
66. “I always tell new hires, ‘Don’t think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you.'” —Unknown
67. “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” —Thomas Edison
68. “I don’t always tolerate stupid people. But when I do, I’m probably at work.” —Unknown
69. “There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” —Kin Hubbard
70. “Don’t mistake my efficiency as meaning I want to do your job too.” —Unknown
71. “I have a theory of relatives too. Don’t hire them.” —Jack L. Warner
72. “I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there, and I don’t want you showing up.” —Unknown
73. “I haven’t even gone to bed yet, and I already can’t wait to come home from work tomorrow.” —Unknown
For those moments when you just need to tune out your co-workers, try one of the best comedy podcasts.
Sarcasm quotes for families
74. “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” —Mark Twain
75. “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” —Sam Levenson
76. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” —George Burns
77. “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.” —Chelsea Handler, Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea
78. “The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby.” —Natalie Wood
79. “Mother Nature is wonderful. She gives us 12 years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.” —Eugene Bertin
80. “Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.” —Michael Levine
81. “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” —P.J. O’Rourke
82. “In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on television.” —Erma Bombeck
83. “Please excuse my father. It makes him feel young and powerful to treat us like idiot children.” —Aidan Quinn as Alfred Ludlow in Legends of the Fall
84. “Keep rolling your eyes. You might just find a brain back there.” —Unknown
85. “If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” —Oliver Hardy
86. “In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families: that they are at least two-thirds incontinent.” —Robert Breault
87. “If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.” —George Bernard Shaw
88. “Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.” —Stephen Colbert
There’s nothing kids love more than funny limericks (although not every limerick is family friendly!).
Clever sarcasm quotes
89. “I am not young enough to know everything.” —J.M. Barrie
90. “Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.” —René Descartes
91. “I’d rather be partly great than entirely useless.” —Neal Shusterman, Unwind
92. “Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey.” —Winston Churchill
93. “A crisis is a terrible thing to waste.” —Paul Romer
94. “Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.” —Unknown
95. “Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.” —Unknown
96. “Silence gets us nowhere. Sarcasm gets us there quicker.” —Government Issue, “World Caved In”
97. “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” —Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories
Clever sarcasm quotes are all well and good, but nothing sticks in your head like a funny song.
Sarcasm quotes for relationships
98. “I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” —Stephen Bishop
99. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” —Groucho Marx
100. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” —Sacha Guitry
101. “Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” —Ashleigh Brilliant
102. “They say marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood
103. “I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” —Groucho Marx
104. “We get married to have an ally against our family.” —Jonathan Tropper
105. “During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels like when he has a fever.” —Unknown
106. “Marriage is a wonderful institution … but who wants to live in an institution?” —Groucho Marx
107. “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.” —Zsa Zsa Gabor
108. “Marry me, and I’ll never look at another horse!” —Groucho Marx
Why not balance out all that sarcasm with some uplifting quotes?
Sources:
- Smithsonian Magazine: “The Science of Sarcasm? Yeah, Right”
- Online Etymology Dictionary: “Sarcasm”
